Final Explanation (work in progress)

Part 1

The Only Weapon

My writing is the only weapon I have.  I have no way to fight for my life other than this. I wish to be heard.  I need to be heard.  I write this for peace.  I need to erase the target on my back.  I need to stop the people who have made it their business to injure me.  And the only way to even get help is to prove that bigfoot exists.  To somehow expose what still remains mostly invisible.  I know it isn’t invisible though.  And if it isn’t invisible, if it is reality, if it really happening, I know that evidence is bountiful. I have gathered so much stuff, mostly unusable nothings, but inside the data there is strands that will lead to the truth.  I see better, I know better, but I am still incapable and will remain incapable of proving jack shit myself.

I do not need to prove existence to myself.  It started out as “reality testing” from a possible schizo perspective to see if the things I am experiencing could be done externally.  I proved it was possible first.  Than, I proved to myself, without a doubt, that they are responsible.  For a year now, they have continued after basically telling me everything I was investigating was true!

Now I have to prove it to the world.  This is a problem I didn’t see coming.  I didn’t want this to be real.  I wanted this to be in my head.  Since it isn’t, I have no choice.  Pills aren’t going to stop external forces with a will that wish to hurt me.  And I cannot stop them myself.  Not without outside belief, understanding, and acknowledgment that it is abuse.

Otherwise, it is just painted over as something else.  I am saying, unequivocally, that Nemsis is responsible for all these things.  How can I find safety if these people can just do whatever they want and break whatever laws to hurt me?   They do not wish to stop.  They NEED TO BE STOPPED.

I’ll write it briefly.  The problem is that a group of people I call Nemsis are using CHASM (acronym I use that encompasses all the things they do) to control my entire life and environment and to continuously on a daily basis abuse me by penetrating my privacy. Summed up in a sentence, it doesn’t sound like much.  But it’s ALOT to have to tell.  A shitload.  With this, I am attempting to explain everything: The what, the why, the how, and the What Now.  But before any of this, I have to talk about the number one problem I have facing me: belief.

I am on a knife. 

I need help.  This is no longer sustainable and I am alone.  I have done everything I can alone. I have learned as much, gathered as much, and fought back as much as I can.  But no matter what, this has to be placed in the correct hands to get me help from what is a very bad case of a variety of abuses perpetrated against me by a specific group of people.  They are the same people who claim to be my “support system” and who, two at least, actually do help me in ways...since they are my parents, I don’t think that is very controversial. 

I cannot confront them.  Why?  Because they lie and deny and act and play game.  Because it isn’t easily detectable, they think they can get away with it.  So they do not have the ability to confront me in any way and deny. All the while, abusing me and then talking to me about abusing me using a very gnarly and novel use of sound.  I have tried, by the way, many times.  This is how I know.

I cannot trust anyone.  Why?  First, they have shown such persistent stalking and cyber harassment behavior that it almost seems “magical” and would (did) cause lapses into absolute helplessness.  It is more than a guess, but it all comes down to an unethical hacker who doesn’t care about breaking the law and invading systems just to harass me and watch me. 

Second, they have followed up the surveillance and stalking with a barrage of lies they so easily spread like excrement to defame me.  I really do not care about “opinions”, but telling lies about me being some sort of child predator to people I am literally on my way toward because they have access to my GPS Location or phone data and CAR causes an equally as bad or worse case of a sense of helplessness.  Hearing strangers working at certain places harass you with similar gaslighting all because they want to ruin your life is maliciousness in its purest form. 

Third, they know people.  Family or friends who are cops (in my city!) and who knows what other types.  This is more of an assumption since who would break the law in order just to harass some smock?  But, they don’t believe any repercussions are ever coming.  Why?  This is what worries me.  They feel as if they are “protected”.  This makes me not trust even law enforcement.

Fourth.  I just naturally have not too much trust in general.  I am a shy person and have nothing.  So it is just hard to put any faith in anyone.  Plus...my own family which I relied on is betraying to this extent.  It is unlikely I will trust another person my entire life.

Fifth, the times I tried, though very loose and with little energy, have backfired.  Either I cave into some concept that its “in my head” or I am not believed.  Or I am dismissed specifically for being mentally ill.

In any case, I refuse.  This is happening.  I am not even a little schizo.  I have been gaslit into believing this. I have done nothing wrong.  I have done nothing to them.  They are making lies about me and have ruined my life.  They continue to harass and abuse me using secret techniques and tactics which continues to ruin my life.  And all I have asked from them my entire life is to STOP.

All this is happening inside a family unit where they have split into two separate entities.  The overt and covert versions.  I do not KNOW THE COVERT VERSIONS.  They are only through actions and harassing voices that I even know they exist.  But to my face, everyone acts as their OVERT selves. This is most apparent in my parents and SW, for I don’t even SEE These OTHERS.

Then there is two separate groups of people within the family, the inside and outsiders.  I have lived with my parents my entire life with no problem.  They have told me and even convinced me to stay.  The household is made up of them and me, three people.  But I am being targeted and abused by a group of about 7 family members which does include my parents unfortunately. 

All the good will they “share” with me is spoiled by the fact that they allow this to happen and are participating.  SW is the origin and ringleader, it seems.  Completely destroying my perfectly fine relationship with my parents for no reason.  Then the others are responsible for the harassments and defamations. I have to think of them as a group, not as separate entities because they act as a group and confer and conspire as a group. 

But at the same time, I very much DO CARE ABOUT MY PARENTS AND LOVE THEM and have lived with them for a long time trying my HARDEST TO BELIEVE THEM when they tell me its “all in your head.”  And now, specifically, it’s as if they want me to accept their COVERT SELVES and just “leave.” And remain hidden.  Continuing the gaslighting.  They want me to believe, they want me to KNOW SO MUCH that it is true and who is doing it, but they do not want to admit it even A LITTLE BIT.  It’s absolutely absurd to think I can go along with that after all this.

What I am experiencing is so bad and hard to deal with.  The fact that my family has betrayed me and continues to secretly abuse me while rubbing it in my face is wearing me thin.  But I have so very little means of helping myself and have relied on my parents forever.  They have regressed me and treat me like child.  And now I am even thinking they have purposefully created this idea of sickness to control me.  I cannot explain why it would be better to lie so horrendously about the truth and make me both believe and even experience psychotic symptoms/disease than to do anything else.  I have been sold this idea of them helping me but what I get back now from them literally talking about/to me from the other rooms or from outside the house is that they “always hated me etc.”

But I let the anger go.  I cannot dwell on the enormity of the trauma they caused or how seemingly bad they are.  They are, for better or worse, just normal FOLKS.  They all have families. They are all successful...It even rubs me the wrong way because why do they feel the need to fuck with me and my life when I have ALWAYS STRUGGLED and they witnessed and helped me, for REAL, in the past.  I don’t have a petty perspective like they do and they cannot believe me because they don’t understand me AT ALL.

Inside, somewhere, without my knowledge, they THREW ME AWAY LIKE A PIECE OF TRASH...but kept me around to still abuse and talk to.  I even believe I know around what time this change occurred because it went from being treated very well after years of them doing this shit to me, to suddenly RESTARTING THE CYCLE.  

Their covert selves have become SO BAD now, sounding as if “well, then just leave.  You should have left.”  NO FUCKING SHIT.  It’s a little too late to leave without any damage, and it’s a little too late to be able to leave now with no money. When I first got my social security, I wanted to. And I almost did.  THEY CONVINCED ME TO STAY. I could have left and I would have had more than 10 grand at least.  Now I am 5 thousand dollars in debt because I thought NO PROBLEMS (and I am obviously shit with money…).  Telling me, now, I should have left, when I NOW KNOW ITS REAL, when I DIDN”T BEFORE, because of the gaslighting, is really shitty in itself.  And asking for money is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.  I have to even eliminate it from any desire because they will just say “HE IS AFTER MONEY.”  Nope, but money makes the world go round so...it is inevitable that money will be bought up.  Especially if they FORCE ME, yes they FORCE ME to go to a lawyer and/or press criminal charges.  Something tells me a lawyer is going to cost money...well...well put it together Sherlock.

Capgras syndrome

I have been thinking about this very strange mental illness called Capgras syndrome.  Basically, it’s the delusion that your entire family and friends, everyone around you, has been replaced.  It could be aliens, body-snatchers, doppelgangers etc., based on personal beliefs and culture, but no matter what it revolves around the idea that everyone has been “replaced” with a lookalike.

And it would have been very easy for me to fall into this delusion if it weren’t for my overthinking brain.  Because, in the end, what is the difference between people being replaced by lookalikes and fundamentally changing their opinions about you behind your back?  They have been replaced, but only by a changed versions of themselves.  But what causes this problem in the first place?

Its gossip.  It’s a secret, covert discussion about you personally that occurs without you ever knowing because it’s never to your face.  No matter who this occurs to, a subtle change will be noticed and instead of jumping to the correct conclusion, it may seem Better even to believe that the people you loved were replaced, are somewhere else, still existing in that state than to believe that they have suddenly grown to hate you for a reason you are not even aware of.

And yet, they will still act as though nothing has changed.  Depending on how personal or private the secret is, it may well never even be talked about to your face.  And you may never even know the opinion or belief exists to begin with.  And, in most cases, it will be false.  The belief that destroys your entire relationships to the people you love is nothing more than a piece of gossip from a vindictive person who has some grudge.  To exploit some common hatred (like painting a person as a child predator for instance) in order for the secret defamation to continue unabated and the gaslighting…

I believe the gaslighting is proof that they know it’s wrong.  It is proof that they know the secret/opinion they are harboring is not even remotely true.  But it is also proof that they know what they are doing is wrong. The reason I state this is: for what other reason would people continue to interact and even show affection for a person that they secretly hate and think is a monster?  It’s because they do not believe it at all, but have created a situation where they do not want to look bad for the things they have already done or said.  They want to preserve their reputation as a good person.

So instead of changing in accordance to the obvious truth, they try to fit a square peg into a round hole. It is better for them to literally lie and continue to make lies up about a secret that isn’t real than to stop and admit they were wrong.

What does this do to the victim?  It utterly destroys their entire lives.  And, if they ever get to a point as I have, where they are still alive and have gotten to the point of getting enough evidence for themselves, than what?  You don’t need evidence for yourself anymore, you need to prove it to the world.  I have already obtained enough proof for myself for about a year now.  But it remains to be seen that anyone will believe me or even care about the proof.

In order to survive and have a life, I have to.  I have no other choice.  They have given me no other choice.  They continue to act the same way, not changing what they do or say, and still gaslight as if it makes them look good.  But what other purpose does it serve?  They are stuck in a fucked up situation that they created and REFUSE to fix it. Either by stopping what they are doing or by just evicting me from the family.  They have the power but they are so full of pseudo guilt and pseudo shame, that they cannot even address me with a slight edge.  But they treat me like a puppy dog, as a nice person, as I am a nice person, but continue the lies. (end)

Sick of EXCUSES

I refuse to be dismissed.  I will treat dismissal, in this case, as an act of discrimination.  I am afforded the same rights and same treatment as any American citizen which includes JUSTICE.  I have learned about this concept, which is obviously not really the way things are, but is still a concept that is important for the status of society. Equality of JUSTICE.  This means, it should not matter who you are, how rich or poor, what race, gender, sexuality, or if YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL.  The weight of my life, my pain, my victimhood should be the same as any others, including THEM.  They of course, do not agree with this and have said it it so many ways that “EQUALITY OF JUSTICE IS NOT GOING TO HELP YOU.  NOONE IS GOING TO HELP YOU.”  I do not agree.

The ease of dismissal: 2 main excuses

The first reason of dismissal is not being able to believe in the possibility of what I am describing. Belief is absolutely essential as a starting point for getting help.  Nobody needs to just go along and believe everything as if I am saying “I am right!”  No.  There has to be a potential.  Just simply dismissing me and everything I am experiencing and trying to prove says this is IMPOSSIBLE to begin with.

Its in your head

Treating it as a delusion and psychosis has done nothing to help.  I know this because it is not in my head and I already tried.  But when I still had doubts that it might, certain things that I could identify within physical reality did not line up.  It is hard to use those things as proof because it is just noticing behaviors, words, actions, reactions, and other subtle giveaways.  Though it was fading by the day for the last three years of this search for the truth, last Halloween doubt completely crumbled apart.  Certain things happened and I couldn’t have any doubts anymore about who they are and what they are doing. If only I could allow the experience of what I go through to be seen or felt.  Unfortunately, that is impossible.  (come back to that?)

I have to eventually abandon the idea that I am mentally ill.  Or I have come to do so already.  It is difficult, because even if I am not experiencing schizo type disorders, I have always suffered from depression and anxiety. But the fact is, the psychiatry system has failed me. Perhaps I did not use it correctly, but after several attempts at telling psychologists I understand that they can’t help me.  You don’t go to Burger King for Chinese food.  I cannot seek relief for the pain I am enduring if that pain originates in abuse rather than Mental illness.

( failure of psychiatry? don’t mentian Thera or anyone….leave them out of this...for now)

What is so difficult is that for so long I have been under the umbrella of Serious Mental illness and the WORLD, including Nemsis, says I am schizoaffective or whatever.  I label myself mentally ill too. But at the same time, I have to reject psychiatry for being part of the gaslighting by denying my reality along with Nemsis.  I have to finally stand up and stop feeling like I am SICK.  Maybe I am still though, because I do obviously suffer for this and for life. But suffering is LIFE!

Then there is TTM.  What is used as the cause and constantly mocked for, talking to yourself is NOT A SYMPTOM OF MENTAL ILLNess in itself.  And the way I do it, it is not part of psychosis.  It never was part of HEARING VOICES.  I never heard voices before the first hospitalization.  But since I was recorded talking to myself, it had to look as though I was because of the way I did talk to myself was HYPOTHETICAL CONVERSATIONs with people.  It’s hard to explain but, I would just imagine talking to this person or that and it would all just be my side of the conversation.  I did other things, talk in voices, joking, just silly shit.

Is talking to myself part of mental illness is what I am struggling with.  Because if I had been targeted for that reason (and I have been) than they are targeting me for my mental illness which could be a hate crime.  They certainly do target me for other things, but they do not operate within the realm of psychiatry.  They operate in the realm of normalcy.  “you are just crazy.  You are insane.  Look at his eyes.  Look at how he looks.  His behavior.”  They tell me “your insane” as if it must LEAD TO SOMETHING. What?  It was suicide.  (lets not go there right now)  NOTHING, not one single iota of care about mental health have I witnessed from these covert versions of my family.  Their overt selves will talk about it as if they fucking care. IT is bonkers.

Lastly, if I do become estranged from my family, I will need to have support.  I am very wary of using the crutch of MI at this point. Because I will have to fight the opposite.  I am also getting social security disability, but they started the payments from when I had been diagnosed with depression, so I don’t think that is a problem.  No matter what, I am a depressive person or bipolar 1 is the diagnoses.

The scientific method

The most famous sherlock Holmes quote is what comes to mind.  “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”  I do not believe in magic.  I am a materialist and believe in scientific deduction as the best means to get at the truth of reality.  I dismiss pseudoscience if it sounds wacky or is disproven. But I still have an open mind and am aware of the starburst of technological improvement we are currently undergoing.  The tech available on the market is years behind what, say, the government has. 

Early on, the first after hospital program I went to, was a DBA course or whatever. There I learned two concepts that is still use today.  The first is “radical acceptance.”  Similar to the “AA PRAYER” its about accepting reality for what it is, not for what you want it to be or for what it clearly isn’t.  I cannot view it any other way and I cannot change much of it.  The past is done.  The people around me, clearly, I cannot effect.  My environment...maybe I can get away. But no matter what, I can control ME.  The external harassments are not internally manufactured.  They control it.  I accept it is happening, but I do not accept that it must continue. 

The second idea was something that struck me as interesting immediately.  Reality testing it is called. For people experiencing actual delusions or hallucinations, it can be a way to get relief to test reality in certain ways to see if it’s just in their heads or not.  It also struck me as something very very hard to do, especially when you are talking mostly about THINKING disorders.  And another problem, you have to end up relying on people to get answers.  So you have to trust someone to tell you “no, its not true.” or “yes it is”.  The people I asked are the ones doing it to me.  Can’t reality test that way, because, when I LITERALLY TRIED THEY LIED TO ME.  Over and over.  So, I had to reject what they tell me and find out the truth.

But still, reality testing became my obsession when they restarted this cycle.Thinking now about where I started, I was completely ignorant of so much of what is needed to know just to explain what is happening.  Nobody else was going to do this for me.  I wish it was that easy, but I had to learn shit and get the proof myself, until I felt confident I had enough or the “smoking gun”.

Slowly climbing this hill, I went in and out of phases of depressive sleep for days and then compulsive hours at the library.  No organization, no sense of direction, no goals, nothing but an obsession to figure it out.  And over time, slowly, I did.

I reverse engineered what I thought it might look like in my head.  So many of those missing pieces are still being filled, but I seem to have gotten confirmation by THEM DIRECTLY as if I KNEW EVERYTHING.  Meanwhile, I am talking about a hypothetical construct, a possibility, but the only other possibility other than IM FUCKING CRAZY.  With no physical or direct evidence of any of it!

Halloween 25

That day at the library, I broke down I remember.  I felt I had enough.  And I was sure.  But at the same time, they had become virulently malicious and pervasive. Suddenly everyone came out of the woodwork to fuck with me and try to hurt me.  All the time with this pedo shit, out of nowhere when I hadn’t done anything even remotely close to that.  Why?

Why did they do that?  Suddenly acting angry and defensive even.  They acted as if they were defending Logan.  But I didn’t attack anyone.  He was downstairs threatening me and I said “come upstairs and do something.”  What happened after I just can’t. Another deflated opportunity to be at least a little honest turned into pretense and emotional pain on my side.  I was falling apart.  I thought they were poisoning me.  And then I saw Thera.

And, for some dumb reason, I still defended them.  I concluded that they felt threated because I was making headway to expose them and they were viewing this as some sort of threat.  Even though, they were SPYING ON ME and I had NO INTENTION YET OF DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT.  I still tried to justify their actions by saying that “they were worth more than me because they have kids, families, there are 7 of them.”  I still believe this too.  I kept trying to explain that “ I have no intention of doing anything and I am not after revenge.  Please stop hurting me.”

Meanwhile, they acted as if I was a literal pedophile and rapist.  It was horrible.  But even that I thought “they have to believe this so that they are seen as justified because they already did something.”  I don’t know what I was thinking, but it was clear THEY WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THIS SHIT. And finally I ended up taking that chemical I had bought to end my life…

I couldn’t swallow all or that much of it!  So I ended up waking.  First words out of my mouth “all this for cartoon!”  And so began the slow revolving door of them CONTINUING THE SAME SHIT FOR A YEAR.  A whole year passed.  They are acting like the same people. Nothing changed within them.  All they show me is CRUELTY.  They are incapable of stopping the abuse.  And they have to try to argue with me.  The victim! 

Basically, I just have lost sympathy for them in this regard.  They have no reason to do this but they continue.  As for me, I am stuck, still, because it’s me.  They know me.  They understand me enough to know it is hard to do anything.  And on top of that, they are constantly invading my privacy and harassing and distracting and spinning me like a top.  I am introvert.  I cannot function without resting inside a private space.  Yet, they seem to think I am going to perform “action” because THEY WANT ME TO and THEY PROVOKE ME with ELECTRONIC HARASSMENTS and words...impossible.

 The mask and the heart

The second reason for dismissal is the belief that it is not likely that these people would be doing this.  In other words, I am denied my experience because they DO NOT KNOW NEMSIS.  How the hell am I going to be told they aren’t “Likely” to be doing this when I am experiencing it and they are doing it?

But let me instead explain why the concept that a person or group of people are not “likely” to be guilty of horrible shit is an assumption based on nothing but superficial good-will.  “They didn’t seem that way”, or “He was a nice guy, it seemed.”  Every time someone is found to have performed a horrible act, people always come out to say how “unlikely it seemed for this to be true.”  And the more NORMAL and embedded in SOCIETY people are, the less likely they will be seen as a possible suspect for something horrible.

It is the OPPOSITE FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME.  I am a drug addict who has been in the mental hospital 10 or more times.  Diagnosed with mental illnesses ranging from depression to schizoaffective. This is prejudice.  This is the stigma I have to deal with.  This is exactly what THEY ARE RELLYING ON.  To make me look bad and themselves look like saints.  This is why it is so effective.  This is why the gaslighting continues.  That they can just deny deny deny. 

They LOOK GOOD, and I DON”T LOOK GOOD.  It is all too common to find out that the most normal looking person turns out to be an absolute monster.  Meanwhile, I do not consider myself “good” by any stretch, but the lies they say are just unbelievable.  Anyone would see this under the smallest of scrutinies.  They are nitpicking recordings from a decade or more ago to make me look bad, removing context completely, and, I believe, are possibly making up fake AI or Deep fakes even.  They CANNOT USE THE TRUTH. 

I can give so many examples of individuals who have had upstanding lives and who were fucking psychopaths.  That is easy.  But what about a group of people.  They seem to say as if because they are seven people (or more they claim) that they are right.  As if their numbers make them right.  And according to mob justice and lynching, sure, they are as right as the length of a rope used to hang innocent people.

But groupthink has always lead to atrocities on a much larger scale.  See, the Nazi’s were a group of people too.  Nothing more.  And they were not good.  They did bad.  But more so than that, they made ordinary good upstanding people do things that they would never have done otherwise.  I read a book in college “Ordinary People” and it was about just that.  These normal German citizens who did these things considered now to be atrocities as if it were labor.  People are smart, MOBS ARE STUPID.

And this mob is no different.  They have nobody to be the conscience.  Whatever conscience they do have are within the people who have no say.  And those people who have no say would NEVER DO THIS OTHERWISE.  And they are included and a part of this atrocious behavior to me for no other reason than they have to.  They even seem to be brainwashed into believing something that is clearly and obviously untrue.  But they don’t have a choice and I understand that.  I don’t blame them.  I blame the people who are LEADING THIS MOB.

Just as HITLER may have never actually killed anyone but is held mostly responsible for the shit he led, so too will I say that whoever is leading this group is the guiltiest.  But, honestly, I could also say they are all equally guilty as the core group since they all seem to go along with it without resistance and do absolutely ZERO TO HELP ME GET OUT OF THE SITUATION.

Are they Nazis?  To me they are.  And they might as well be Nazis.  Or perhaps some of them are Nazis. But so many classic beliefs of Nazis pervade certain minds of this group.  I can point out Racism, Xenophobia, anti-immigrant sentiments, very CONSERVATIVE values, sometimes even a little pinch of white supremacy.

The first people Nazi’s targeted were the mental rejects.  The ill or handicapped “Useless EATERS” in the (what is it?) program.  They silently did this while at war.  Through social Darwinism, the idea of “purifying the race” became dominant and they just directly communicated to family members that they ought to let go of these “people.”  Yup, the Nazi’s convinced family members of mentally ill people that this was the right thing to do for society or some shit and….it went off without a HITCH!

Which makes me want to now talk about something I see very clearly now.  The mentally ill community has never had a civil rights movement.  There is no mental health community, really, because it is a bunch of disparate individuals who need help with day to day living and not like other groups.  The very nature of this group is that they cannot do it themselves, that they are in need of help, that they are isolated.

And because of this, I already know through the obvious line of reasoning, that abuses toward such people have gone unnoticed and will continue to go unnoticed until someone points out the need for a better way to ensure their rights are not violated.  I sought out a possible life goal in the idea of being an advocate through my experiences.  Until I solve this fucking problem though, I can’t even escape the defamation of pedophilia let alone make it my life to help people.  For if I can’t help myself, I can I help anyone else.