Cycles and

10-20-26

It is sick and tiring writing when all i have to write is the same or similar thing over and over. Nothing has changed. In them, only worsening. In me, only fading. I, of course, am aware that i do have the literal choice or ability to “do something” but i don’t know what to do. I am alone and betrayed. Trust in what? In who? I cannot do this alone. NO one can do this “thing” alone. Nobody should have to be alone.

But alas, i am alone. I still love who i love. That will never change. But Nemsis, the organization of misfit minds methodically abusing me in secrecy, is insoluble. I don’t even care about their opinions. That is not the point. They have no intention of leaving me alone and following me is part of that. So, the choice isn’t to “leave.” That doesn’t fix anything.

I still talk back to them. I am defending myself. I know, with certainty, that everything they say is a lie or a warping of reality. They do not care about what the truth is because they can just deny it. Deny deny deny. I am aware of this. But they still act and have acted as if their is ZERO percent chances of me exposing the things done and being believed. This is CHATOSTROPHIC if it happens. This is why i know they live inside of denial.

But more and more, i feel like they tell me that i do have proof of many of the things and am right about my hypotheticals that i work with inside my mind. And then “do something.” or “call the police”. This throws me. Why would they tell me this? I do not trust the police for a couple of reasons. And, i am not a fool, hard work will have to be done to create a case and develop everything. Time.

At the same time, they are telling me “how could you do that"….talking about the future that hasn’t happened yet. “How could you seek legal means of justice for the torment they so insidiously impose upon you everywhere and anywhere.” I am not a magical thinker. It is just technology. They are exploiting my good hearing. It isn’t that i feel helpless at all. I feel pretty goddam confident.

Why don’t i do something? I can’t. I mean, its hard. I am weak. I am helpless, in that sense. They spin me like a top. On and on, the constancy is part of the attack. Don’t let him ever think he isn’t in our reach. Don’t ever give him a moment of peace. Never ever give him a pure sound, fill it with nonsense and garbage and the tweeting of their voices. Don’t ever let him sleep. It is a distraction that i cannot get away from. I have tried many things, spent so much money. But they just invade and invade.

I am an introvert. A major personality aspect that means i do not get my energy from socializing. I get my energy from solitude, peace, and PRIVACY. They have taken that away. They are sucking me dry and then think i can function. I try to explain, leave me alone even if its just for that reason. They seem to think because they will it or want it or do not care, that i can function at some level that i wouldn’t be proficient at even IF i wasn’t depressive and traumatized by them. I need MAINTANANCE. I have been driving for a real long time with no tune-up. I’m gonna break down before i suddenly get some hidden power to do the impossible….

For years now. The last year, especially, has been a constancy of everyday, almost all day. They pass the torch, are able to do it through their phones from anywhere. While working. While talking with other people. In public. on vacation. in front of their….On and on a continuous cycle of one after the other, methodically trying to do one thing: Drive me crazy. IT seems as if that is the ONLY GOAL THEY HAVE. Nothing else comes to mind that makes sense other than “we need to drive him crazy so he fulfils his role as the scapegoat and we can sacrifice him to our god BOLOG.”

It worked in the past so many times. It won’t this time. I am not going to ever act crazy or ever confront them in any way about this or anything. They further drive me into passive resistance and greywalling, not toward any violent outburst. I will NEVER GIVE THEM the satisfaction of making me look the villain when they are acting so full of malice and immorality. They do not get to make me into anything.

I need to take over the narrative. I already knew that and that is what i focus on. They don’t get the right to tell me or anyone how i feel, what i think, who i am. They so clearly do not care about the truth anyway, that i am baffled by why they continue to talk TO me like this. They sound worse everyday. They sound like bigots. monsters in the dark with zero humanity. Nothing they say is even slightly good or nice or even neutral. It is all add hominem, moralizing, excuses. I have a reasonable response to EVERY SINGLE pile of bullshit they say.

But i am arguing with a wall. They get to do this, from a distance on their perch. Its easy to commit violence when you do not have to confront the victim. Even i do this! I say things back that I WOULD NEVER SAY TO THEIR Face or to anyone….why? Because they are not present when i say it. Its easy. Its cowardly. It proves they know they are guilty. Why else do it and keep it secret? Why lower your voices when i record?

So its just another post. One thing that has changed over time, slowly, is my understanding. My ability to deal with this has also increased. I will NEVER ACCEPT THIS, but i have to adapt, so i get used to it and continue on. Where they have a certainty that what they are doing is chipping me away, the truth is ironically that it is making me better, more equipped to deal with them or anything, stronger willed, more sure, and, honestly, a better human being. They have trained me to deal with feelings like anger and hate with such coolness, that i feel weightless. I am already innocent, but the fact that i will NEVER EVER fall into the trap they think they are setting, makes me feel free on the inside.