11-29-16
11-29-16
clean for about two weeks and the same old cyclical shit of withdrawal followed by discomfort and unsureness, than emptiness and depression blah blah blah. I felt good the last two days but I have been taking some pin so I can’t really claim its because i’m doing better. But really, who gives a fuck. I think feeling better at any cost is a good way to live unless of course it jeopardizes the very life i’m trying to live. Kava Kava was a fucking dud unfortunately but whatever. Got the vivitrol shot so I can’t get high or drunk even if I wanted to and I do want to. I don’t really think anybody gives a shit anymore honestly, but hey i’m still going strong so why not another crack at this.
I didn’t know what to expect today going into the session and really thought nothing of it. Even during the session I felt fine, but I was hopped up on Adrenalin and shaking even in the beginning. But boy oh boy did I not expect such a visceral reaction from such a quaint conversation. I have to thank her, I really do, because even though my reaction turned into an outpouring of anger, the kernel was the deep hurt inside my heart that I tried so hard to put away and forget and live a life of isolation acting as if its the only way to live for me. That stabbing wound reopened and I could not rightfully regulate the emotions I was feeling so I really just wanted to hurt myself, break something, hit someone, scream at the moon, bleed….and in those moments I was living again. Its waning now unfortunately and I fear I may forget that urge to...what?
I need to process those memories that stab and stop acting like my life started today. “live in the moment” is not for me, living in the moment is like saying “your alive and breathing and that’s enough.” no, relive the nightmares of the past, relive the failures, relive the good times, relive the shame, relive the things that make you feel things that you have forgotten to feel, the bad and the good and the bad. Remember who you were.
switch
And do this thoroughly and thoughtfully so that you can move on. The only way to win the game is to face your worst adversary, the final boss, there is no dodging it, and of course your worst enemy is your past, like a shadow self, mirror image asshole. Break the fucker into a million little piece and than crush the glass into sand.
And run for your goddam life if its worth it to you. If not, hang yourself. What the fuck reason is there for playing it safe? Just remember the stab its still bleeding down the back of your shirt. You were a fool intoxicated surely but a fool nonetheless. There is NO MENDING THIS. And no matter how kind and loving the peppermint world seems it is really quite bitter and harsh and hateful. You created a scenario where you cannot repair the damage. One million sorry’s won’t do the job. You could cure blind children and people will still resent you and despise you. Deep inside your heart the truth is as plain as day so don’t hide it away because you know its impossible to hide.
The good news...well there is none. Life is gonna be hard no matter what if you stay, go, it does not matter. The difference being, you have a choice. The most important choice of your life really. The poison may be slow but you know it will kill you. And the world may be a monster that will swallow you up. Charabdis or scyllia. Your choice.
