12-29-16
12-29-16
got passed xmas pretty good. Seem to be handling things well. Not like in the sense of actually doing something progressive or anything but not backsliding. i’d like to think i’m handling my addiction but the vivitrol is doing that for me so I can’t take the credit. I guess i’ll find out how well I really do handle it when i’m no longer on the stuff since it looks pretty bleak on that front. Right now it doesn’t really matter and i’ll come to that fork when its in front of me.
Psychologically i’m dealing with things pretty well. However, there is this itching feeling within me, I don’t know how to explain it, like I’m wearing camouflage to hide something but its really not hidden and only upon a little inspection it sticks out like a sore thumb. This itching anxiety biting at my heels that I can ignore most of the time but its still there fucking itching. I have confidence if I truly try I can succeed in going on without another mental relapse….however if I relapse on drugs I am truly fucked. At the heart of the problem is whether or not I choose to use under ANY circumstance when i’m off of vivitrol. The mental illness aspect can be controlled, i’m confident in that with the current setup of pins I can sustain a pretty level headed approach to life. The other meds I can literally give no fucks about and i’ll deal with that in time.
And on to what I am not doing, which is the glaring issue. And I make an excuse “after xmas, after new years, after winter” but I really need to take this part a little more seriously.
1. I need a new doctor, this is really important and needs to come first, if I can take control of what meds I take instead of blindly following other opinions than that’s one step toward better self realization. If I have to “doctor shop” and see five ten twenty doctors before getting it right than thats what I must do. And I need to do it myself….obviously
2. I need to really tackle my addiction. Whatever that means, I need to figure it out. But it needs to involve some form of outside help, some sort of methodology, it can’t just be “fuck it I won’t use drugs, I don’t need them.” this is a fatal problem. If I relapse, I relapse for good until I kill myself, there is no more coming back. I lose myself and everything if I use heroin. Its game over. Now that can be a choice, just like suicide can be a choice, but like suicide its break your fucking neck or step off the chair, there is no middle ground. Are you ready to jump?
3. its obvious I need more income and a very big urge to move out. I feel it everyday, so strong within me but boy oh boy the requirements seem incredibly difficult. Its gonna take time, its gonna take stability (which is not guaranteed, ever), its gonna take money, its gonna take active participation and interactions and so much. This step needs to be divided into smaller parts obviously, like a hundred steps. Tackling a large thing like this is like climbing a mountain, its daunting but with enough simple steps it can be achieved. The doubt within is the only doubt that has control over your actions. Remember be selfish, narcissistic, believe that your desires are what matter and haters are like vampires, they can only come in if you invite them. Close the door, keep your mouth shut, bide your time, but in the end pursue the goal.
