10-29-16

10-29-16

I didn’t write for a while now.  Reasons?...well, lets just say I didn’t feel like it or had nothing to say or write or something….whatever

rereading previous yarns makes me feel somewhat like a creamy flautist...i have no idea what I meant by that but it sounded delicious...and perhaps that’s what I meant, it sounds good or may sound like its important or something perhaps intelligent but literally and figuratively is quite simply stooopid.  I mean, a creamy flautist?  How about buttery simmering flautist?  Fuck it, why be coy, and just say a lubricated phallus fingerer and blower. Basically it makes me fi weel like a wanker……

this is all just wanking away.   Wanking my life away.

God...be a pal and help a brother out.  Yeah yeah, I know, I’m an infidel and a heathen and already know the answer to “can you help me?”...its no of course, whether its because you don’t exist or you refuse to  I cannot answer for sure but it made it easier to completely dismiss you and brush you under the carpet with contempt releasing me from supernatural vagaries

 I wasn’t against revisiting pleas and prayers, honestly I find myself open in an off and on again ambivalence at nights and during some days.  I open my mind or heart without struggling against atheism and hypocrisy and do speak and say….getting some comfort maybe….however….

I realize I don’t know who i’m talking to….God….god…?  I just don’t know, I have no surety or even belief in religion and simplifying God into something personal makes it harder to believe…

but all that is redundant, trying to grasp my head around the complexity of God without seeking answers in religions (which is almost certainly all story driven fanfiction, entertaining but not actually having merit….but I could be wrong….but that would also mean that the freaking masses of differing religions are all wrong except for the RGHT one, which is….mormonism of course) gets usurped by a bigger problem.  I know asking for help will not get me anywhere.  I know, asking for anything, will avail nada.

Perhaps I deserve no help as I am now.  Completely understandable and I get it.  No harm trying, right? Maybe that’s not the point? 

But all I can think about is the younger me, the constant begging and asking and pleading and praying for help in my darkest hours, in my seminal years, my shaping days, when I needed help the most.  I even tried to be reasonable, cut out stupid wishes and get to the point, literally asking for the most reasonable, practical help.  And I still had faith, I still believed you were there and were going to help me.  This shit wouldn’t, couldn’t possibly continue, you had to help me.

Forlorn….forsaken….it took years to break my faith in a loving benevolent overseer to the universe but it did, but it didn’t only break but I took the stance of “God’s a dick, if he exists, but he doesn’t, so the universe is a dick”  yes, I hated God, all iterations, I could justify a negative view of God, it was very easy. Maybe i’ll go into that one day….

i’m different now and consider a black and white stance or an all or nothing stance as faulty in matters of religion or spirituality.   But the problem is still there.

I have my mind opened to talking to god and pray or say somehintt\g but I just shut down when I realize its pointless.  i’m sure I can find a healthy way of praying and spirituality but it just crumbles.   Expecting anything is a great big no no.//

I

,,m tired, I don’t know where I was going withj this but i’m sure it doesn’t make me co off as a creamy flautist…..