9-22-16

9-22-2016

I feel a little different today.  it’s not much of a difference but any change from my previous versions is pretty monumental no matter how tiny it is.  I’m still very calm and flat, but that heaviness in my brain kind of dissipated in the latter half of the day.  I

I still do not want to be bothered in any form of group therapy or rehab but I have a feeling this is my default position and will not change...like ever.  it’s a crippling flaw to pretend something is helping just because people say so or because research says so.  I gave it a chance, I gave it dozens of chances, and what the fuck the point of putting myself through rigorous behavioral and cognitive correction therapy of any sort if in the end I am just gonna listen, take it in, and NEVER apply it to my life.  it’s like a broken record and i’m sick of this fucking song.  I wanna be and think and feel what I want to, I don’t need to hear what works for others and what I should do and what i’m supposed to fucking think.  Yes I understand DBT, radical acceptance, coping skills and blah blah fucking blah yes I understand it but i’m sick of it already.  Its like taking a class in college...over and over and over and over on and on and on...what the fuck is the point?

And talking does not help.  It NEVER has helped me.  In fact I will make the opposite claim and say that it makes everything fucking worse.  Letting people see you as vulnerable is not helpful, i’m sorry it will never be helpful...ever.  And I hardly talk! If I was to divulge even more sensitive things I would just get really bummed out about it. 

I realize now only I know what is best for me even if it really is not best for me.  I mean who the fuck could possibly know whats best for me other than me?  It’s kind of like i’m in hospice care, live comfortably before I die and, oh boy, i’m gonna die soon! Fuck that noise.  Maybe I played pretend until this point, actually believing i’m crazy and not redeemable because it would mend the complete calamity that is my relationships with...people...as in “i’m crazy therefore everything I think and feel must be a delusion…YUP! That explains it.”  and of course it can’t farther from the horrible truth.  I have had psychosis and invasive paranoid thoughts, sure, but there is a clear divide between being out of mind because of stressors or drugs and being lucid and in control.  And sure I don’t know everything, but I know enough, and what I know is more than enough to have a clear thought or feels about it.