9-21-16

9-21-16

I don’t feel anything. Not even anxiety.  My heart is steady, my breathing normal, and my gut just copacetic.  My recall is very bad so I can’t really determine if this is somehow new but it really feels abnormal especially while being sober.  I don’t really know what has changed physiologically but I’m just unfazed by things that would normally cause a strong emotional response and it is causing me a sense of all-around apathy. 

Right now I have no motivation, nothing, i’m running on empty.  Perhaps it’s still some residual withdrawal from opiates or benzos that is causing my complete flatness.  It’s really hard to figure out the cause.  It was suggested it is some form of unconscious coping mechanism to allow me to progress without being stressed or some such theory.  But this is happening on the level of my brain not just my mind, surely I can tell the difference because I have employed such obliviousness in the past but the thing is the anxiety is completely gone, it does not exist.  And even though some emotions start to bubble up they flee just as fast.  I mean, I can’t even make a fist and punch an inanimate object. I feel weak like if someone pulled a gun on me I don’t even think I would care.

And that makes me vulnerable.  Having no emotions sounds appealing, I always wished for this, but I don’t feel like i’m alive anymore.  I really don’t think i’ve been this way for this long and I’m really not liking it.  At least when I was high I felt good and when I stopped I felt awful.  I was even able to cry when I was recovering from H, I mean fucking crying! I can’t cry now, I feel nothing. 

Its really hard to form opinions about things.   I could find out the worst possible thing in the world and I probably would not give a fuck.  The coldness of people means nothing to me, neither their warmth.  It’s all meaningless to me.  Is this how I was living before?  For a whole year, did I not realize this is worst state I could exist in?  Was I just inexperienced in my sobriety and thought it normal? 

I survived to 30….but is it worth it in this tepid soup of bland shit, living for other people under some illusion that I could see right through?  The thing is I don’t feel anything so this is not out of love, it must be out of habit.  I can’t really sum it up in any other way, for if it was out of love than that’s what I would feel, so if I feel nothing than that should drive me to do what I want.  Well, that doesn’t really work as an idea because I have no drive either.  This state is really troublesome because to get out of it would require the thing I lack, some strong emotions.  But with emotions comes love or caring.

I’m over-intellectualizing this and conversely oversimplifying.  Somebody told me you feel even when you’re numb.  I don’t really see that but perhaps he was right.  It’s impossible to not feel anything but this is really fucking close.  Perhaps I should wait it out a little longer and it will change, but I already know that is a pretty optimistic thing to think for it might get better, but it will never get great, or even good. 

And rehab seems like an impossible fucking task.  I don’t even have the concentration or care to go through with it right now.  And being stuck in a place and being forced into a million fucking groups and meetings one after another will just zap my will...its not a self-fulfilling prophecy as you may think it is because I already know myself and how I feel (or lack of feel) right now.  It is not the right timing, I needed rehab ten days ago or I need it right after I relapse not with three weeks of being sober, it will not work.  And yet...i’m gonna go? Why?

Why do anything really, its kinda pointless.  Unless my brain chemistry changes its gonna be really hard to do anything.  I don’t even have the mental flexibility to think about suicide or even using, two ways out of my current condition.  What could possibly change in my life to give me a jolt?  What could possibly change if I am not willing or caring or thinking or feeling

at this point the computer shut off suddenly and cut off what I was writing and, well, whatever…