9-21-16

9-21

And that makes me vulnerable.  Having no emotions sounds appealing, I always wished for this, but I don’t feel like i’m alive anymore.  I really don’t think i’ve been this way for this long and I’m really not liking it.  At least when I was high I felt good and when I stopped I felt awful.  I was even able to cry when I was recovering from H, I mean fucking crying! I can’t cry now, I feel nothing.

9-22

Letting people see you as vulnerable is not helpful, i’m sorry it will never be helpful...ever.  And I hardly talk! If I was to divulge even more sensitive things I would just get really bummed out about it. 

(This thought must be challenged)

 Maybe I played pretend until this point, actually believing i’m crazy and not redeemable because it would mend the complete calamity that is my relationships with...people...as in “i’m crazy therefore everything I think and feel must be a delusion…YUP! That explains it.”  and of course it can’t farther from the horrible truth.  I have had psychosis and invasive paranoid thoughts, sure, but there is a clear divide between being out of mind because of stressors or drugs and being lucid and in control.  And sure I don’t know everything, but I know enough, and what I know is more than enough to have a clear thought or feels about it.

(determining the validity of what is delusion and real is a big deal, but is not to be taken lightly. Alternative cognition may be the only way to compromise.  Requires further thoughts)

9-23

Ok who am I kidding.  Nothing is gonna happen! No of course not, i’ll just remain emotionless and take my meds and be sober and kosher and clean like an antiseptic wipe and bland and boring and sane and completely in control...wow that sounds so fucking lame… who the fuck would want that?  What kind of world was I born into that I have to be something I dislike immensely? I mean, this sucks really hard. 

(all or nothing thinking.  This is the fear of boredom talking as in its better to go down the path of chaos of emotional instability than live within this blandness of sobriety.  Perhaps you are right.  Or perhaps there is another solution.  This was written when you were numb and it soon changed.  Still significant as a sentiment thought)

Why not just say fuck it and be crazy?  Embrace the very thing that makes you despised by everyone and just shove it back down their throats with relish? 

(this is interesting as a possible new avenue to persue as a personality.  Embrace the things that cause you pain in the form or shame and guilt.  This could be a starting point for change.)

10-1

Well regardless of how I want to feel, I don’t have any control over that.  At least I know that much from these entries.  Even though I should have already realized that by this point. So basically these entries started out as helpful but now seem totally contrived just like everything else in my life.  Just one big contrivance staged for maximum convenience.  Great, MY LIFE IS A LIE!

(a change occurred and now i’m more passionate and even humorous.  Acceptance of no control and habit.)

Even though this makes it substantially harder to go on, day after day, and live period, I am fucking glad I can feel again and not live, as someone used to say, with blinders on.  It is far better to live as I am now than how I was when I couldn’t feel, two weeks or so ago.  Hell, I like this person better, why should I give a fuck if others want me in some stupor.  This is what I want, fervent minded with a sense of humor and the ability to get angry at things that I should be angry at. 

(no longer numb, I am glad.  I do not want to be stable, destabilization gives me a force which is lacking when I am just blah)  (Destabalize your life)

o reason to be upset in hindsight (my biggest fucking handicap), and if others are upset, well maybe they should take that advice too.  It seems that I ruined everyone’s life when I ruined mine...except for mine!  Let them get over it because i’m completely over it now and I am writing about it because i’m not over it...or something.  I don’t know, this shit ain’t science, its art!  don’t need to make snce

(in this case I should follow my advice since, although I want to, I don’t)   (stop worrying about other peoples thoughts, get over it)

I need to take my own advice and move on.  I noticed something when I read some (most was shite of course) of my scribblings that I saved from before and during my relapse and I noticed it was like some inner subconscious part of me literally trying to snap me out of this twiglite hour dream with stern advice.   Rereading something I wrote is like reading something new.  I guess partly because I don’t remember how I felt or what I was thinking when I wrote or, like in the case of anything I wrote when I was high, I just plain flat-out don’t remember writing it.  But some of it is like literally someone giving advice...but I was giving it to myself...which I guess is pretty fucked up or its pretty hilarious...i mean its one or the other….can’t be both.

(I just like this idea)

10-2

(anxiety anxiety)also I think I can identify two types of anxiety now.  The first is the obvious increased heart rate, breathing short shallow quick breaths, and foulness in the gut along with panic attacks; basically the normal anxiety response

(social anxiety)the second is harder to identify as anxiety per se, but I think its just a different type.  Its the freeze response or avoident response to external stimuli and may not have any physiological element.  Being detached, apathetic, quiet, and, well, freezing up is what I was experiencing before.  I had no anxiety  but avoided going around people and doing things and wanted to just isolate myself and do nothing.

(good deliniation of these two types, one being physical response while the other is conditioned.  One can be cured with meds, the other cannot)

10-3

Although there are always pitfall full of fucking snakes and the possibility some wanker shoving a shank in my abdomen, now I may be able to not give a flying fuck about the machinations of the depraved universe if I feel a little at ease.  I mean, why worry about stupid shit if I don’t have to.

(worrying about the possibility of bad things is not helpful, but still need to be careful)

I got to worry about one thing.  That is all.  Everything else is superfluous guile aimed like a gun but shoots like a supersoaker.  If three years has taught me anything, people are scary but really fucking weak.  Not to say i’m strong, just that society, culture, and conventions render us a little fucking neutered.  So instead of doing what we want, saying what we think, or even feeling what we feel, we pretend, so as not to upset the status quo; cause oh boy, don’t rock the fucking boat. 

(its true.. how can I change that though?)

Although I do it too, I fucking hate pretending.  I think its just cowardice, plain and simple.  And I don’t mean pretending to talk to invisible people, or pretending being a superhero as children do, or writing a pretend novel, I mean pretending to feel or think one way while actually feeling or thinking something entirely different.  Presenting yourself as one thing, but being something else.  Saying something with such delicate subtleties to someone as to be believed but than going around the back to just insult and degrade that same person.  Oh, I know, i’m guilty too and a coward.  Everyone surely is.  The person that is honest to a fault is truly an elevated person, not because they make sense or are agreeable but because they’re fucking honest

(now honesty and nonphoniness is elevated, but cowardice keeps me from just being me)

I don’t know where i’m going….i guess if I’m going with the theme of advice maybe its “pretending is a great skill and will get you far in this world”...expecting something different?  “don’t rock the boat, cause you will drown” better?

Cause oh boy I would just love to rock that fucking boat till it sinks.  And I would love to just fucking say whatever the fuck I want all the time.  And why not?  There is your advise, WHY THE FUCK NOT? What’s the worst that can happen?  Or maybe, would the worst thing that can happen be worse than what has and is happening?  Obviously not, cause nothing is worse than that. 

(why not?)