8-1-16

8-1-16

I’m not a good actor

No appreciation, roof over my head

I’m better off staying here? Living alone would be worse?

Somewhere along there direct statement that I would be kicked out in an angry tone...

...

And that night at 12:45 a.m....I literally saw it like a unicorn...actually spying in real time...at TWELVE FORTY FIVE...I was fucking sleeping with

Headphones, wtf were you looking at me sleeping?

...

By the way I can't hear anything when I have headphones in just in case you were wondering....like absolutely nothing

8-5-16

I never felt empowered until recently, especially now...which can only mean one thing, I’ll probably be killed soon, like any second...: (

Only makes sense, the moment I literally fear no one is when I probably should...but fuck that noise, I’ve been stepped on way tooooooo

Much in this silly fucking life to care that murderous intent may be aimed at me, I’d rather slit my wrists (almost did actually) before

Fearing the possibility that another human is even capable of killing me...as for me, I’m a pacifist! : ) wouldn't hurt a fly...except

For that fucking fly that landed on my earlier...self-defense, fuck that fly for hitting me

....

8-6-16

How I lived like this for so long, I mean really took it hard for a pretty long while, I mean like really hard like pounded by a giant

Jackhammer right in the...mind...like I mean just over and over repetitious deliberate hates and meretricious character defamation...well

Sure I’m pretty awful, but jeered, fuck you!  I don't care about your 19th century values...or your modern values?  Well not entirely sure

Where you get you’re oh so wholesome values from but I don't care I really don't...if you wish to demonize me I guess I’m a demon...which

Makes you angels! Right that is how this works...I mean...what is that saying?  It’s from a book..white...oh yeah "let he/she who is WITHOUT

Sin, throw the first stone."  "Judge not lest ye be judged"....and all that jazz...just keep on this mighty righteous track of making me

The center of all the world's evils, I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK! The devil or god, it’s all the same mashup of nonsensical pseudo-morality, black

And white thinking, it has no bearing on me whatsoever, God has horns and the devil has a halo, it doesn't fuckin matter...you are better

Off believing in Zeus and Hades cause at least there the gods weren't good or evil, they just were what they were, no morality...I don't even

Know where I’m going with this...oh yeah, what I write is almost all bullshit...whatever is written is almost all bullshit...your full of shit

I’m full of shit, we are all literally bags of shit pretending to be dignified...

But seriously, morality exists on one single basis:

Don’t hurt people, THATS IT, "don't do to others what you wouldn't want done to you" (actually that doesn't work if you’re a masochist like me...or

A sadist like others...well anyway)...hurting other people is the foundation of morality, if you hurt people you are an immoral asshole, if you

Don’t hurt people you are neutral, if you help people than you are a moral person...where the fuck do you fit in on this? I know exactly where

I fit, although I may have inadvertently hurt others (in an emotional way I guess), I never ever hurt anyone with INTENT...except for myself...

And when it comes to self-harm I think the answer is simple, you could do whatever you fucking please to YOURSELF since it’s your life...therefore

All my self-hatred and self-harm is not really amoral, the collateral damage may have been hurtful to some but there was no INTENT...without

INTENTION, blame cannot be placed on a person, for they may feel guilty in retrospect (as I have for way to long) they were oblivious to it

When it was happening in other words, there was no INTENTION

To further this I will now talk about intention prior to committing an act as in "I intend to do this but I won't actually do this", this is

The opposite.  People have intentions or shall I say thoughts of doing things but do not take action so they have intention without actually

Committing the act, such as committing an act of hurting someone in some way...this type of intention is completely and utterly IRRELIVENT...

I don't care about the cardinal point of sinning (study theology for that, I’m not talking about religion, this is just common sense), I’m

Talking about having or even saying you have an intention but never committing to the ACTION, without the action the thought cannot be

Considered a crime or even amoral...everyone has horrible thoughts even you are unaware of them, but doing something bad is very very

Different than thinking something even if there is a real intention, I say intention but I really mean a thought

I don't know why I just wrote that, I guess I’m trying to understand your intentions...did you intend for me to kill myself? If that

Is true (and if this was not your intention than it was collateral damage of your actions in the very least) than you are so much worse

Than I will ever be...scratch that...you are just awful, I am awful also especially stuff I did in my past, but you are either worse

Or at least equal to me in being awful

Fuck it that was all bullshit and probably has so many misspelled words (okay I just misspelled misspelled on purpose if you didn't catch that)

Anyway, fuck it, it doesn't matter, I’ll just sway with the wind while the strong stubborn wood eventually breaks...I think only now

Have I truly accepted a level of apathy that will actually give me a better chance of survival, but I have yet so much to learn,

So teach me world, teach me how much shit I can eat and yet grin, teach me to find humor in awfulness, teach me how to be neutral

In all positions accept for ones I consider relevant to me and let me laugh at others so humble opinions about matters that have

No merit either way, red or blue? I choose black cause it is the absence of color, kind of like a middle finger to the color wheel,

Teach me to me riposte passive aggressive feeble words and whispered backhanded comments with furious contempt with the only intention

Of teaching those who wish to fence, it’s not the size of the sword but the quickness and surprise of the strike, teach me to stop

Writing things that might be read unless I actively accept it and purposely write to be read by those who might read it by reading it

and thinking its written for some reason when the only reason to write is to write sometimes no matter what comes out like its

A good exercise in manifesting thoughts and feelings in the moment so that they can be read at a later time and you can go "oh, well

I don't exactly remember writing this or how I was feeling but it is interesting that I wrote this not based on the merit of the

Writing because obviously this is stream of conscious writing (which you would only know if you went to college I guess) and it

Says something about that moment when I wrote it"...that’s called a run-on sentence and yes I did it on purpose, why? because

I don't give a fuck about grammar and rules! Obviously...and teach me to stop at some point because you just end up sounding

Like you're babbling like someone talking to the wall expecting someone to OVERHEAR even though the air-conditioning is too loud

And I have headphones on....and teach me to stop because this is getting stupid and I’m tired and I’m merely writing things with

NO intention of any sort other than because I can write whatever I wish on MY COMPUTER that I bought with MY MONEY......BLAH

8-8-16

Hi, I don't know where I’m going, but I know where I been, I know I’ll see the sunset but I don't when....anyway, this is fucked up

I’m really fucked up, I’m in a really fucked up situation, I’m hearing music right now but I don't know where it’s coming from

Next step in gas lighting me? I think yes!

Anyway, I fucked up and I’m fucked up....I think I got to get out of here

8-13-16

I don't think I’m long for this place.  Perhaps I’ll die I don't know exactly if I’ll be murdered but it’s a considerable

Possibility and I won't deny the potential risk in living lol, yes just by living I’m under threat of dying, which seems

Quite silly but it’s a true property of life for me.  Living is dangerous, I live dangerously, and my middle name is danger!

Fuck that, anyway, I’m not long for THIS place, this unsound cubicle of terror and horror and as backwards capability,

A funnel of unerring enchanting audio forecasting harassments and threats and just lowly insults like a spell by a

Wizard who thinks is a covert ninja but instead of being subtle and smart has become completely overconfident and

Hasn’t yet realized how the only weapon he has has become not only harmless but a complete liability giving me nothing

But the very information that justifies anything I do no matter what it is.

No amount of denial and table turning is going to mitigate my righteous indignation when it’s so blatant and with such

Purpose, and such HATE, it’s so perfectly inexcusable at this point, it’s nothing but 3rd grade level bullying and harassment,

Absolutely no merit exists in this behavior and to cover-up your foul intentions with complete deceit and cowardice just

proves how wrong you are...thinking there is no proof or way to prove what you are doing makes you just perfectly mint, doesn't

It?  No wrongdoing on your part, no evidence, there is just nothing there, right? Just me being crazy, off my meds, symptomatic,

Me being WRONG....always wrong, I’m never right, you take away any just recourse from me and just slide away clean and supreme,

Perhaps you didn't think this through...perhaps you really didn't think this through...why would I say that? 

Either way, let’s just both acknowledge (even if it’s not face to face obviously) that we both know what the other does...I’m

Not going to pretend to be schizophrenic, I may be crazy or even insane, but you want me to believe that I’m paranoid, and I

Say to you, fuck that, you are devious enough to go to such lengths to carry out a full-fledged surveillance blitz and conspire against me

With other people, this is not paranoia it’s the fucking truth.  I don't believe in aliens (like you do by the way....) I believe

In simple awareness of the facts and although I made such assumptions here and there to fit my believes (sometimes even

Outrageous stretches of the imagination I would admit) but now I am pretty sure about certain things and the most sure thing

Is you are at the center of it all.  That was a contested belief, and at one point it might have not been all true, but now

It is.  I am certain you are the mastermind and, quite possibly, the only one remaining who actually cares enough to hurt me

In those ways which we all know.  God only knows how deranged you are but I guess I can't really truly know the REAL extent,

But from what I deduce, it’s pretty fucking deranged. 

And of course there is me, right there in your crosshairs.  I just remain there like a scared little lamb ready to be sacrificed.

Or maybe just a scared little dog getting mistreated but having no way to run, nowhere to run.  I don't know what you naturally

feel or think about this situation, but from my perspective it’s pretty much like getting kicked around, spit on, recorded,

Than ridiculed for everything I ever do, harassed, spit on some more, abused quite ludicrously, everything ripped from me

My pride, my will to live, my sobriety, my self-esteem, my humanity, my rights as an animal, my rights as an individual,

My rights period, my love, my friends, my sanity at times, my everything (I’ll think of so much more, but I don't know

How much room I have)...and then you use ANYTHING to make an EXCUSE for doing this....I mean like you will use ANYTHING,

Stuff that doesn't even make any sense....I mean I look at something in some way and you use it as if I did something

Horrible, you literally READ MY MIND when I’m quiet and then you use what I say when I’m home alone against me as if

I’m not literally doing it on PURPOSE, as if I haven't fuckin figured out the cameras years ago...you don't know what

I’m thinking, I’m sorry, all your justifications are complete bullshit.  You just want to fucking hurt me because

You BELIEVE in something that isn't fucking REAL.  And things in the past, well I’m sorry for stupid shit, but seriously,

It’s a little outdated at this point.

The bottom line, do something already or shut the fuck up.  Just do something, get something done, and stop talking about me,

Stop watching me, stop thinking about me, and just do something about it.  If you truly believe the stuff you say than

Wtf are you doing?  How many more years are you going to sit there and talk out your ass about how horrible I am and

Laugh at me?  How much psychological warfare are you going to employ before you stop acting like a pussy and do something

About your convictions?  This is asinine.  You don't have much time left, the clock is ticking, stop talking and

Do something.  Please, I beg you. 

A change will occur and you won't be able to hide behind the incorporeal nature of your crimes against me and when

You can't hide, I’ll SEE YOU when you thought you weren't being SEEN....only then will it be a FAIR FIGHT, not this

Lopsided fucking gang up on one poor fucking freak who made mistakes but never fucking HURT people for fun.  I was

Always the one getting hurt....and yet I still don't have a desire to fucking Hurt people in this sort of way,

By exploiting my weakness and my sins....I mean WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?  Horrible people do that.  And yet I still

Hold my punches....still hold my punches instead of going all out and doing what you do to me....I’m the victim

Of ongoing abuse...any form of retribution I ever committed was lame and innocuous, a pale imitation of your poison...

I’m guessing I’ll be dead within a year, probably less, and I don't know if I care anymore...not that I want to die

Or am suicidal, I just don't know how horrible your conspiring has been, but that may be some parabola for I may

Be really stretching how much you boost outright and how much you keep hidden, that something more sinister

Lies in wait...but either way that is just a belief unfounded....and of course that is only one way to die,

For I may just leave and go on a binge and that may well be my undoing...I don't know what will happen,

(What your deranged mind may well be cooking up, outright filicide?)...anyway, I’m not afraid anymore

Of dying...I’m afraid of death for it is a terrifying thing but I can't very well be always worried that

Someone or something will kill me, if it happens than whatever....and most importantly I’m not afraid

Of any people who would kill me, fuck them, they know where I am so what's it going to be?

Lol ok I’m going to just end it here (not my life silly, just this whole diatribe).  It’s all bullshit

Anyway since I don't think it can be read by anyone, well at least as long as I’m offline...but if icon

Be read than I’m sure it will be very entertaining....and if it isn't read by anyone but myself than

That is fine too...it’s my fucking computer and if I want to write as if I’m being spied upon than

Fuck you, I can do what I want...I mean especially if this computer is being spied on than I have

Not one ounce of forgiveness or care for you....you deserve punishment in my book and hope you receive it,

Not saying I’m going to do anything but just saying you deserve to be broken into pieces like a glass

Donkey shattered

I’m done (drops mic)

8-23-16

I ducked up again.  I fuck up too much.  And maybe I will be dead soon for whatever reason.

Hell, maybe I’m dead right now and this is a wisp from a dead man.  I’m certain that these

Roommates hate me very very much and it’s there little secret that they hold onto. Who else

Is in on this mountain of hate I do not know.  I am starting to think, even if others are

In on it, the very abhorrent and irredeemable vitriol they have is their little secret,

No one else can know of it since it may well be a murderous hatred with intent.  Poor poor

Ammo has now the burden of this hate as it was so meticulously ingrained into her soul by

A very powerful wizard (a wizard as OZ not of Gandalf, one with a million tricks to appear

As a god in nature but behind the curtain is a feeble old megalomaniac with trickery but

A MORTAL nonetheless)...the hatred so hidden and deceptive that it’s as if it doesn't exist

And the opposite is the truth.  But no, the hatred is very real and very smoldering within

There pretty souls, souls now corrupted by the hatred that burns inside of them, Trans morphing

What was once something else, something akin to love but now just hatred?  They must keep

It a secret.  Sure some can be distributed, but not the black pit that goes down further than

Others are aware.  It’s no longer an irritation, or an inconvenience, it is a fully fledged

Wrathful desire for my absolute torture and demise.  Anger like this is a rarity, for it

Completely reversed the polarity within them turning them into the monster they think of me

As.  The question is, how big of a lie is being propagated? I mean is the lie of false unconditional

Love so outrageously devious that I have to just completely dismiss it, or even laugh at

The flagrant lie, or just get angry that it continues for really no purpose?

How much do they assume I know I’m being deceived, and for what reason do they feed me?

The truth in such a way that is just plain outright evil? What are they willing to do to destroy me?

How does this even go on (or better yet how has it gone so long?)? Well, I’m sure my denial

Played a large role it it lasting 3 years or my willingness to accept that what I was experiencing

Was a delusion and hallucination just because they said it was....just consider that little nugget

For a good long second before realizing the amount of hatred was required for three years of

Literally lying to me, than lying about lying, and then blaming me for having a mental illness

Which they don't even believe exists. A deception like this is like on par with a super villain

Or a completely cruel motherfucker.  Even your worse enemy doesn't deserve this treatment...even

An act of revenge for some crime committed against an individual shouldn't be so menacing....

It’s downright ugly...like I must have done some unspeakable action or crime to get the evil

Supervillain revenge...yet, although close calls for accidental mishaps and an overactive

Imagination mixed with the habit of talking aloud, I really do not think this crazy ass

Motherfucking horrible treatment is warranted. The problem however is that even if what

I just said is true in terms of what I "did" to deserve this, the new lies to fill in the

Blank spots are almost impossible to disprove as they are impossible to prove...I mean

Anything could be said about me and what actions I have supposedly committed and since

I have no way to even defend myself or even explain myself since this is all done behind

My back, I can just be made to look worse and worse and worse ad infinitum...at this point

I don't even think the truth can be disentangled from the stupid nonsense a rotten brain

Can come up with.  A rotten brain can really just come up with the worse lies, call them truths,

Spread it like a virus, and all of a sudden every motherfucking human being believes it

And once that happens, I am literally shit out of luck, especially since it’s done behind

My back like a bunch of women gossiping.  Please, if you really want to act like a consul

Of supervillain women trying to destroy me with gossip than continue this fucked up slimy

Ass evil procession of incurable hatred in such a lama’s snakelike way....or you can just

Bring out the fucking accusations ALREADY as to clear up everyone’s lives and close it up

With the inevitable bye bye from both sides....this is fucking stupid at this point, just

Plain stupid, unless you get some joy out of it (and I am certain it gives you a Hardon...mental

Hardon of course) than just fucking bring it out IN FRONT not FROM BEHIND like some homo,

Constantly fucking me from behind, just go on and do it in front. The only thing being,

If you actually do have a plan on murdering me than I can see this would not be advantageous

In that respect....:/....really, is that your plan?  Cause you had three years and still nothing

so I’m going to say you're all talk, either way I have precautions for such a thing but who knows...

You might be able to murder me and get away with it, you are a supervillain after all.  But

Please just consider if you have no plan to kill me, kidnap me, torture me, or worse...THAN

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? If it’s not supervillain, than it’s downright juvenile.

And if you think I’m the villain...well than I just don't know what I did...I really don't...

But I do know that I haven't led a campaign to destroy another human life or even hurt another

Human....I MEAN COME ON, WTF IS THIS SHIT! I’m a heroin addict with no girlfriend and diagnosed

With a pretty hefty mental illness and I have done almost completely nothing worthy to be

Called a villain...like ever...ok sure, my stupidity is legendary and my embarrassment is

Quite deserved but I’m not an evil villain or a monster, I’m not devoid of humanity no

Matter how much you choose to believe this because if I was...I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN MY OWN

REVENGE!!...and to clear things up, I have not a single plan to hurt anyone even though

I’m considered the evil one...the only plan I have is to GET THE FUCKING TRUTH! That is it,

I want to have the shit on the table and close the fucking book on this stupidity, not even

So I can move on and 'get better' but because that is WHAT I DESIRE, closure

I played games knowing you watched, read, monitored for a while and pretty much affirmed my

Worst fears in other words I fucking know so to pretend is just really weird and makes you

Look like fools at this point.  Yes, I’m a fool and blah blah blah, I’m everything you

Say I am, sure....but that does not mean you are not fools also... that’s all I have to say....

Fuck

Heroin has killed so many good, funny, creative people.  But I'm still alive! Ha-ha fuck you heroin

If Buddhism is a finger pointing at the moon, my religion is giving the finger to the world

If you can't laugh at yourself, others will do it for you

If you can't cry, than you’re a man! Or a sociopath

If life gives you lemons, throw them away and make that artificial lemonade filled with sugar...yum

If life gives you lemons, ask life for a refund...so you can by a gun...and then rob life for all his lemons

If life gives you lemons, fuck the lemons and make them your bitch

If life gives you lemons, ask life "what the fuck is with the lemons? Seriously, these things are worthless!"

If life gives you lemons, maybe life isn't as close a friend as you thought, because lemons are a shitty gift

If life gives you lemons, give life a dildo so he can go...well you know

If life gives you lemons, wonder how it is an abstract idea is giving you something in the first place...and become amazed!

If life gives you lemons, look again, they're actually pearls of wisdom meant to teach you a lesson...fuck never mind they're lemons

If life gives you lemons, stop whatever drug you are doing because you are tripping

If life gives you lemons, squeeze every drop out

If life gives you limes, make lemonade...and fail again

If life gives you lemons, MAKE PISS!

List of things to do when you have the house to yourself

Wake up early! Yay!

Exercise in solitude

Meditate for at least fifteen minutes in complete solitude

Read for an hour….in solitude

Relish solitude

Lock cat in garage for complete solitude

Scratch that...lock cat in freezer to make a catsicle

Make a collage of all your favorite people

Realize your only favorite person is yourself...and you have no photos of yourself: (

Take hundreds of photos of yourself! Photoshop!

Realize you hate how you look and delete photos immediately

Do your laundry

“Accidentally” shut cat in dryer and save her just in the nick of time

Become hero

Learn how to spell words goader….jeered

Read the bible

Sake...the bible is boring and has no value other a doorstop

Sake...the bible is awesome...but is pretty boring

Learn about Jesus on Wikipedia instead

Is Jesus capitalized? Hmmm…

Than tab explosion of cooler Sumerian and Native American and Greek and Norse and Tolkien gods….

Find out the similarities between Gandalf and Jesus and write an epic essay which no one will read.

Think about all the mistakes you made in life

Than laugh hysterically for fifteen straight minutes

Than cry for thirty

Than Wake UP! It was all a bad dream

Sake, your life is totally fucked, oh well, make a hot pocket and watch some dumb show

Look at the clock and...FUCK...is it that time already?

Realize you didn’t accomplish a damn thing

Prepare for the next day with a dumb list

I hear nothing now