The Definition of Insanity

Like a clockwork orange, Nemsis is back and stronger than ever. I am not surprised. I am always hurt. I want it to stop.

But, without the act of self destruction, I am stuck in this hell for some time more, at least, until I can get out of it.

First, I have to learn how to do things for myself. Yes, simple, I know. To think someone coming into their forties would at least have this simple skill down. In fact, I am lacking in many things. Social skills. Things that teenagers learn on a daily basis, I put off or ignored for all my life. Who I am? What I like?

I learned those things, at least, when I was older than usual, but still young. 17. Just got put on Paxil. Stopped fearing my own shadow. But, even though I made some progress….

I’ve seen one friend (yes I had those once upon a time) transform himself. He was just 16, I was 21, at the time. He made it his upmost priority to become cool and, in the way he saw it, he actually did. That is when I thought: Life doesn’t give you a personality. You are not born with your aura. You have to build it up. Some people, like that one friend, did it knowingly and, because of that, he came off as phony. Only in the beginning though. Later on, he just slid right into that person he created, like slime hardening in a mold.

I guess, when you spend most of your time either worrying or distracting yourself, you forget to do the important things like creating a person from scratch.

I had everything done for me because I just didn’t have the drive. I was a shy boy, but i became a depressed man. And, luckily, I had a family that cared to help me. My mom forced me to get a driver’s license. My sister got me my first job and showed me how to get things done in college. I didn’t even have the foresight to know where the college was, so when i finally got a car and drove myself….I was lost. They had to teach me the path. This was before GPS.

I was a baby. Now I am a man-baby. If I don’t have my hand held, I just…slip away into rotting.

How am I supposed to get away from this toxic situation? The passivity of others….i cannot blame them for it. It was built into our relationships because of ME. I know that. I am the problem…

But knowing I am the problem does not help me. By being the thing that needs to be removed….Horrible, isn’t it? This thing.

Anyway, I do have some drive now. In the very least, enough to keep me alive. And, as long as I am alive, I will be the scapegoat. It is impossible to change this setting. That faint wisp that existed before becoming my soul chose the Hard setting: Extreme Depression!

I will not keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. This is my one power up. Each time this shit happens, I remember and change things, learn things, and am prepared for it to happen. It makes me laugh, when I wanna cry.

The renewal of the tactics Nemsis employs means little, really. I have the oppurtunity, in this glowing moment before the Mod becomes dull, to make changes before I slip into another fucking depression. And that is what I am doing.

Somehow, someway, i need to move away. I don’t know how. I am afraid. I am so alone. And everyone hates me because of this character assisination. Even at my back, any breathing thing feels like they “know me” because some vindictive being full of hate cannot just let me be, but has to watch me like I was a fucking cartoon. I need to get “Cartoon Network” tattooed on my forehead.

That is it for now….tell me reader, am I that shallow that debasements from an obvious sociopath can so simply define me? I know it doesn’t, I wish they knew that.