Nothing Ever Changes

9/27/24

At the library and I’m still in the same place. Almost no changes have occurred. That includes negative…but…I just don’t know sometimes how this could be?

I truly do believe that Nemsis is causing VDP and I’m struggling with this thing almost all the time because it/they do not stop! Even if its an hour a day, they have to give me something through these “speakers”. But…

I do doubt…I doubt reality…Its the one thing Nemsis (controlled by narcistic personalities) can’t understand. I do not know for sure if its not in my head. I mean…I know some of it is definetly real. But the theories and assumptions go deep into paraniod type thoughts. So I can’t just be like “I heard you! This is over!” for many reasons…one of which is my self doubt.

This is of course compounded by the fact that everyone who i trust tells me it is in my head. They all are gaslighting now. Even a certain person outside the circle. Why? Because they cannot admit it! Nobody can admit that they are so fucking ugly on the inside and are so hateful of people who are different. They can’t stand me. But it is easier to tell me lies and try to make me believe in this “delusion” because challenging it would bring so much strife to these lives….And you cannot inturrept their lives! They can live lives that are normal….I can’t. And, i see now, only if i prove it without any reasonable doubt, i won’t get anyone to stand up for me! And it will have to come from the outside, because they will never give up on the lies they tell to “help me”….

Obviously, the other reason I can’t just say “its over! I know everything!” is because of my reliance on them…I have no problems admitting that I need their help and…their love…I cannot just go out alone, into the wild world. Not like this! Not at this time! Not when I still have such a weak stance. A weak will….I don’t think i ever will…

And that is why Nothing Ever Changes…

I am being forced to condemn the actions of people I have relied on all my life and still heavily rely on. What do I do God? Lol, you have to try at least, right? God, help me! Foxhole athiest…I would do anything to improve this situation somehow without any controversy, any pain, any collateral damage….but it is impossible. I can think of dozens of anecdotes right now