10-20-16
10-20-16 unfocused diatribe
how simple it is to just fuck up. I mean, nothing caused this fuck up….like at all. I was doing great and ready to roll on up to some serious retribution. Was going to make a plan and gradually change and, just like that, I willingly walked into the fire.
It happened so breathtakingly fast and sudden and without resistance it could have appeared completely arranged and deliberate. I was totally unprepared and it is so blatant now that I AM and will always be unprepared from this pitfall.
My shield was up as it has been for the past couple of weeks and had not even a notion of partaking in the toxic indulgence. And yet, so automatic and emotionless and thoughtless and plain like buying goddam milk, I dumped all reason so easily, so quickly, I found myself finished with the task before I could fully realize what I had done.
I will make excuses or rationalizations or blame or minimizations or whatevers for what happened (maybe a little later i’ll examine it further) but really it was so dumb and simple of an action that perhaps there was no deeper level.
I had no intentions, no thoughts, no desire even to commit the slip when I left the house. None when I went to the bookstore (hell I was excited by my purchase). And none driving back from the Riverside mall (only second time I even went there.) the GPS (TAHT FUCKING GPS IS TO BLAME!) guided me back home and I could have taken the parkway back, I used it going there but decided to take route 4….i think it was Route 4 but I don’t feel like fact checking that right now. The important part is that the route took me close to Sonny. I knew that would take me easily back home and really really didn’t think I would be a problem. I mean, I had gone close many times and I thought I had shielded my mind from slipping. I was wrong. The belief, I know now, is complete cabbage.
It may be more, but i’m going to remain to the point. I had no intentions or thoughts and felt safe until I entered Sonny. See, I had the opportunity to take a right turn toward clifton and home….but, in an instant I took the left turn which took me directly onto the teeming streets. I believe it was at that moment that fucking shield slipped and yet, still without the desire or even the intention or money for that matter, I drove, just to see, just to gauge the market. It was a nice day, and no cops, and boy it teemed.
But I wasn’t there to seek or buy, just to see. Going down my favorite street (nope I don’t even know the number, I just know the place by heart), my windows slightly open and my music slightly playing, I looked and saw that it was good. It was then….the shield no longer existed as if it was never there….and I guess its clear that it never was there, just some metaphorical symbol of my unconquerable willpower….in other words a fucking joke.
No more details are required, it was done before it was done and when it was already done is when I even began thinking what I actually fucking did. The weight of it wasn’t that heavy yet but it did come into existence yet unfortunately only after the action was completed. That is a key realization: for me the weight only comes into existence AFTER the ingestion and picks up pounds accordingly afterward when it is TOO LATE.
It is for this reason I cannot stop myself and the imagined shield is silly, willpower works as long as I can stop myself and make the choice. The idea here is stopping myself when i’m being TESTED as opposed to stopping myself when i’m not being tested ie (obviously) stopping myself when I am clearly in a safe place physically, mentally, and emotionally is not really even stopping myself, it just is me clearly not even using willpower. I’m a fool (and I sure am one) if I think i’m accomplishing a feat of real willpower when I’m safe and not in a precarious position.
And it gets worse, I can only really consider myself in a bad position AFTER I slip. As in this current example, which occurred only because I put myself or found myself PHYSICALLY (only physically? Jeez i’m an idiot), I really didn’t think or consider myself in a precarious situation when I decided to go toward Sonny or even when I was driving down that street without money. I didn’t think I was gonna slip and even when I was slipping I didn’t think it was bad. I justified it in my head and was in deep denial, my willpower morphed to consider slipping perfectly okay. It happened pretty suddenly but it really did not matter because the moment I allowed myself to slip no amount of time could have changed the fact I considered it perfectly okay. What bad timing too for certain reasons I will not get into.
The circumstances for this slip hurt me so much on many levels because it literally only happened because I inadvertently put myself in an unsafe position that tested my so-called willpower and ONLY because of my physical position…..PHYSICAL POSITION. I slipped only because I allowed myself to be in a physically unsafe position. It really fucking shows how completely inconsequential my willpower is in terms of staying on the straight and narrow. I mean, emotional and mental slippage or some combination, hell even peer pressure, all seem like real tests and pitfalls that could potentially make me slip and sometimes maybe even justifiably so. I know there should be no justified reason but in comparison my slip this time was COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY SHALLOW AND IRRATIONAL. It makes me feel like shit and weak that I could slip so very easily and seemingly without any decent reason. I am completely fooling myself into thinking I have control over this.
And the aftermath is devistating. Surely I realized that this would be the case. Surely I knew that even one time would be enough to condemn me. What kind of stupidity allowed this to happen? It seriously feels like I lost my mind for a couple of minutes from the point I decided I would do this and after I slipped because I literally cannot find any redeeming reasons for this fuckup. I mean, just on a mental and emotional symptomatic level I was doing very well. Not just “i’m content :/” but “i’m doing and feeling pretty good.” I mean WHAT THE FUCK!? What the fuck were YOU thinking?
Its the lack of thinking that may be a determining factor. Like I said before, before slipping I just feel like “okay, this is okay and will turn out okay….its not that big of a deal…i’m here, why not get some?...i wanna feel good and its only once…i’ll only get enough to feel good today and throw the rest out...etc” on and on with justifications and a general empty minded determinator literally FORGETTING EVERY REASON AND THING THAT YOU SHOULD BE REALLY THINKING ABOUT. WHAT THE FUCK?
Can it be possible i’m not really in control of my fucking mind and body? Can it be possible that another me is puppeteering my ass into these decisions cause I really have no explanation for the mind-numbing ignorance about the consequences, the goddam obvious foresight, the memories of past trials, and the fucking common sense rationale. My hindsight is fucking genius level (which might be almost universal except for retards), but good hindsight without those other things makes it a million times worse, makes everything fucking worse, God remove hindsight from my bloody skull so at the very least I can be a complete fool instead of knowing i’m a fool and KNOWING WHY I AM A FOOL. Haha I mean have some decency and obliterate the smart parts of my thinking apparatus to match-up with the thoroughly dumb nuggets. It really sucks being smart enough to know that your an idiot.
adviceeeee
Well I did a fine job at analyzing the fuckup and chewing myself out, now for a little sifting to find some positive fragments from the deconstructed nodes of my preciously naive psyche. Perhaps there isn’t even a single substantial nugget to find in the pulverized remains of abject sensibilities. In that case, I can maybe reverse-engineer a schema that, even in its worst form, will be a fucking million times more productive, rational, and salvageable than that former cursed dilapidated mansion for the thoughts of feeble minds.
1. First off, just stop before it gets out of hand because if you can’t all truly is lost. But perhaps its wrong to make that first because STOPPING is NOT within your CONTROL. Consider that, than believe it. If you fight the thought that is without a doubt true, what hope do you have at not slipping?
Now, believing that stopping is not within your control does not mean that you believe you cannot control stopping or going or making a choice. You are indeed in control of the choice in the end, but it has been proven that merely BEING IN CONTROL OF IT is not the same thing as BEING ABLE TO CONTROL CORRECTLY. Its pretty simple, you need to LEARN how to be in control and make the right choices. You are not surrendering your right to be in control, that’s dumb. You must learn a way to gain control. So basically, you have to abandon a passive attitude of willpower, and actively find the POWER within your will.
Finding the right method or thinking process or actions is going to be difficult and take time. You will have to change. You can change and will change, period.
(there is a lot to think about regarding this and may require a lot of writing. Pause that for a second.)
2. time. It will take time to recover but you can recover. Giving up too early is a fatal error and can lead, this time especially, to your demise. Try to get through each day for a while. Each day individually. One day at a time. Try….just try to be active and do things and not just be feeble and weak. I know, it will be difficult in the beginning (it always is), and if you truly cannot find the energy or motivation just, at the very least, remember to conquer each day with sobriety. If that is all you can manage, it is enough, especially in the beginning.
Also, never….NEVER...go out with the car unless you have somewhere to go and stay away from Sonny obviously. The library, park, meetings, store, etc just try not to drive around with no place to go.
Time is either your enemy or your ally. Forget the thought of immediate gratification and success but consider the long term, the steps that precede the goal. Each step is a success, each day is success if you are alive and out of trouble. Think about the tougher goals after you have a good grasp on not fucking up, since it comes before all other things.
3. you will find ways to gain control actively as you must but you will need more than that. Listen to what people tell you (at least sometimes ;?(((() and find people to depend upon. Perhaps the most heartbreaking aspect of your life is your loneliness. Guess what, your not alone. Guess what, people exist. Guess what, you NEED people to be well and happy. Its rather silly to refute this fact when you know it is true. There are things you irrefutably know to be true yet you deny, suppress, make excuses, and counteract because of neurosis. (there is probably a very long list but lets stick with the one). You need people, you need friends, you need more. The unconditional love of family is good and functions as a part, but it really is not the important piece. Yes yes, without unconditional love you will have nothing in terms of human connection but to think this is enough (especially under these circumstances :/ ) is just plain insane.
Consider conditional love as something you must obtain. Even in unconditional relationships you might find some conditions. Without conditions, there is no need to try or to do anything or even care. Nothing is truly unconditional. You can exemplify this in many ways but one simple condition is “you must stay on the sober straight and narrow.” THAT is a condition worth holding and when you break it, the relationship is strained. So consider that for the next time.
As for outside social connection, this is something you must not avoid any longer. Give yourself a break and just try to find someone. But (use a little bit of historical lucidity) do not enter or remain in a relationship of any kind if it does not suit you and do not be manipulated by ANYONE….EVER. Do not fear an attempt just because of those very bad relationships in the past. You are stronger now, you do not deserve to be alone.
In terms of slippage, having a network of people to help you out is a requirement. Consider what happened. It could have been avoided very easily, sure, but you didn’t. It could have been different if you had someone to talk to, someone who you can relate to. Give love a chance, baby.
4. end the negativity. Negativity has two originations: within yourself and without yourself. Gain control over your own negativity. Now, it is easier said than done but you know it will be hard right now and get better. Try to eliminate negativity up there in your head. Exercise a role play in which you are an overconfident narcissus. Everyone loves you, thinks your so handsome, so funny, so cool, so likable, so loving, (add to this list). Fake it till you make it, right? Pretend to be the person you admire most.
As for outside negativity, you have no control over this. And by no control, I mean you have zero control over this. There are ways to combat outside negativity however. Firstly, stay away from those people. Its okay to avoid people who are negative. Secondly, ignore negativity. This is hard for you to do and maybe ignore isn’t the proper way of dealing with it since it can be quite impossible to ignore things sometimes. Instead, try to use the same role play to challenge the negativity with positive retorts. Laugh at the stupidity of stupid things, laugh at the rigidity of stubborn people, anger is the refuge of bitter, mean, unhappy people feel sorry for them, they go low you go high lol, bullying is in itself ugly...its okay to get angry sometimes only when its justified (how so? If it hurts you, if its mean, if it serves no purpose other than to hurt you), but do not let your anger get out of hand and try to use humor to reframe things. In fact, humor is the best weapon against negativity. Just try to be the person you most admire.
Do not let outside negativity turn into internal negativity ever. Remember, you have no control over other people, you have control over your emotionns….sometimes….
And finally there is the convoluted problem of paranoid thinking. Assumptions, mind reading, selffullfilling prophesies etc. in your world now paranoia is a thing that vacillates between the real harsh horror of the unwanted awareness of so many fucked up things and the outrageous exaggerated connect-the-dots assumptions and mind-reading that follows the first bit. There is also the problem of cynicism and beliefs that are more harmful than helpful even when they are true.
Paranioa is not as bad as it used to be but is something that ends up always being present within any context within your life. You can always add unnecessary over-thinking to almost anything creating problems where they do not exist or give more legitimacy to ones that are just not even consequential.
Paranoia is something very easily dealt with with occam’s razor. Whenever you are overthinking or trying to disassemble “red flags” or trying to figure out if someone is talking about you or being passive aggressive with snide jabs, just give it a good snip with the razor and cut the shit off completely. Save yourself the trouble of examining something that HAS NO BEARING ON THE OUTCOME ANYWAY and just cut it out of the equation just like that.
Many things can be resolved by simply eliminating them and giving them little to no validity or effect. Just remember, whether something is true or not usually does not matter unless you allow it to effect you. Be mindful of what does hurt you and what cannot. Because surely, some things can harm you and may need to be taken seriously. But most of it cannot, these just need a little shave.
