10-13-16
10-13-16
itchy right palm all day, if I were a superstitious man…
I think today I felt an intense sense of loneliness. I was bored later today and I just didn’t even feel like watching tv which literally requires no effort. I played a game but I didn’t get any sense of enjoyment more just a distraction. I wanted to go out and I did but had no place to go and no person to go to. I felt like shit and couldn’t really figure out why but it occurred to me it might be a sense of cosmic loneliness. It is one of the biggest denials I partake in; I don’t need anybody. i’m so good at denying it that I convinced myself (or thought I did at least) that I would be fine the rest of my life going solo. And truly I can live the rest of my life alone and live long, and I might. But suppression is only possible when there is something to suppress, like the feeling of being alone. Sure, i’m used to it and even like it sometimes, but not all the time, not forever.
Connection. I felt connection to some people in my life. It was rare at times, but it existed. Not so much these days with the people in my life. And it gets harder every day to make those connections. Its not a way to live, but I already knew that my life is no life. And I definitely knew this is the hole. Its just easier to not think about it or try to ignore it or live with it, but in the long run i’m really fucking up my happiness potential. There is zero happiness as the lone wolf of the steppes.
So, make friends or kill myself, right? Those are the options. The funny thing is I think killing myself would be easier….actually that’s kind of scary to think that talking to people is harder than murdering yourself. that’s kind of fucked up, and retarded.
Self advice
Okay just think about that for one second...death is your biggest fear, how the fuck can TALKING to people be even remotely close in terms of scariness? Its ludicrous.
Being alone should be what you fear and that fear should drive you to be social. E. the corrective thoughts
Just say fuck it, what’s the worst that can happen?
You can change. The doubts of others are NOT your doubts. The beliefs of others don’t direct you unless you let them. Let them be misinformed by disproving everything that weighs you down. It all starts by understanding one simple thing; A ;you have no control over the opinions and actions of others, B; but have complete control over your own thoughts and actions. A does not have to influence B, B only has to influence B. Disconnect A and B, build an insurmountable wall between the gap, and when it seems to crack and starts a leak REMEMBER, nobody decides how you are going to feel except for you, nobody is going to decide what you do other than you, patch that bitch up before it turns into a torrent. Be aware of the cracks, be vigilant cause they will appear, they always do, nothing can be worse than being overwhelmed as if its sudden when the cracks are just so plain and easy to see and fix.
Discouragement is the enemy. The moment you begin to doubt yourself or beat yourself up over anything is the moment you will fail. Failure is giving up, not making mistakes. Mistakes will happen. awkwardness will happen, I mean obviously since you are awkward. But that is OK. Nervousness, shyness, blushing will definitely happen because that is just who you are. But it is OK. Saying something stupid will probably happen or not knowing what to say. But it is OK. These things are OK and are normal (for you anyway) and shouldn’t be self-defeating or cause low self-esteem. ACCEPT the things you CANNOT change. These things you cannot change, you may improve with time and practice but that shouldn’t even be an issue since they do not even matter. Once again, these things effect you not because of what other people think or do when it happens, it effects you because you completely over-exaggerate their significance in two ways, first you exaggerate the extent of these weaknesses by creating a mental image that is way worse than the reality and second you catastrophize how others perceive your nervous reactions by thinking “they must think i’m weak, or a fool, or weird”. You paint a picture that is negative therefore ensuring a disturbed memory of the event. Also you assume people are unsympathetic and harsh critics.
The truth is always much simpler. Nobody remembers, nobody notices, nobody is so callous (ok some people may be), and quite possibly, nobody cares. A simple exercise is enough to dispel this; you have verbal confirmation from many people that, when you do speak, you seem and talk normal. They may notice some signs of anxiety but only notice it AFTER you point it out. Things like blushing is harder to hide, but is somewhat genial. Coming off as genial is better than hostile, which you definitely don’t. Another way to disprove the theory that people have a negative reaction to someone who might portray the same symptoms is how you yourself react when you see it in others. Simply put, you never looked down on someone because they were exhibiting signs of nervousness or awkwardness, but form some empathy instead making you like the person more (however this may be a completely biased view as you would feel for the person because you yourself are afflicted and can relate)
anyway, you know that this is just a stupid belief and a damning one. You know people have a tendency to like you when you do talk and open up but by NOT talking they actually have reason to distrust and be weary maybe even dislike you. Talking equals likability (no matter how silly you come off) while being quiet and avoident makes you less likable and even disliked. Talking is not the enemy, talking is not a mistake, remaining silent and avoiding people is. Its really that simple.
And remember, what is the worst thing that could possibly fucking happen?
