I’m so tired

Its 6:54 pm on October 2 2024. I came to the library to do things. What things? Any things. Many things.

But, after doing just some things…I’m so tired. I’m just so tired. I didn’t accomplish anything. And this was when i had some steam.

What can i do? I am just disorganized and there is so much I feel i need to research and articulate. I also don’t have any SG. So…I’m nowhere closer to closure or any sort of solution.

And Nemsis is just getting worse. The VDP doesn’t stop. It should be so simple, but the gaslighting makes it so impossible to deal with.

I doubt. I doubt my doubts. But no matter how everyone seems to think I could do this or that to make my life better, they are living in a fantasy. I’m living in hell, they are stuck in some fantasy land.

I realized something. I realized I am stuck in denial. That this cannot be fixed and has to explode in order for closure to happen. And, no matter how much Nemsis hates and VDP happens, they won’t act. Stalemate of some sort occurs, except i’m fucked and they can just live normally.

Whats the difference between denial and delusion? So…they want me to believe I’m suffering from this delusion that Nemsis, a conspiracy of people including SW, hates me and VDP is happening everyday. But that is not the delusion. The delusion, that i allow them to insist upon me, is that I am loved and cared for. That I am not being psychologically abused. That everything is fine. The illusion that i could make this work and live a normal life like this.

Gaslighting hasn’t worked though and I know that my “delusions” are actually true. I’m in denial maybe. But i cannot manage my life and be stable like this. I cannot live like this. I already know and I’m finally maybe realizing that it has to crumble completely, this illusion has to be revealed for what it is….which will not be an easy road. It will not go well. It will not be peaceful. It will be hard, almost impossible, to deal with. It will probably destroy me….but it is inevitable…

I can’t pretend to see a castle when i really see a burning house full of faded memories, remnants of the past, burnt in the ashes of fires that continue to burn to destroy any goodwill. Only cold, angry hearts with zero respect, responsibility, and love for me trying to gas me out with the most devious methods instead of just being a little bit REAL. Nothing really exists anyway…its just waves and particles changing and decomposing. I won’t pretend its a pretty painting when all i see is shades of black….

Delusional, paranoid, psychotic…i made it too easy to be bullied by accepting all the flaws within myself and none of the good, for too long, before accepting myself completely, looking up, and realizing it wasn’t coming from within, but from outside, this pessimistic, negativity. I want to be away from it! the aura is sickenning and its not me! Not this time…

Im tired…