Grief is Fun

5-7-25

Today i learned that my very close relative, one above the female who gave birth of me, passed away. She had a long life and was struggling recently living alone and just old age. Her passing has been mostly met with relief. It wasn’t a surprise, but…i think people get to a point in old age under certain conditions where they realize themselves that its time. But death or moving on is a tricky subject that is not really discussed like that.

I was shocked at hearing the words come out of Logan’s mouth. It was so casual and seemed like nothing that bad had happened. But, because of some mixed up COMMUNICATION, JG said something to me when I was asleep and had headphones on. And when Logan passed my room, he mumbled something…really to himself. I knew something was up, because they had woken me and I noticed JG was not going to work for some reason.

So when I finally heard it come out his mouth face to face, I didn’t think it was the one still alive. But than, it finally dawned that they were talking about her. My JG’s mother. But it still was off cause…

JG is off. And I don’t feel she is acting like herself at all. She has been so strong today, but at the same time didn’t really cry one time. She is such a good person and took care of her as much as she could from her position here. Her grief is the true grief from this death. Not mine, or Logan’s or Mist’s since we didn’t live near her and we didn’t have that connection that JG does. But I didn’t want to press any issues with her and will leave it there with that part of grief.

But I am feeling another type of grief. You do not have die to be dead to someone. And Nemsis has basically killed me inside themselves. The whole Unit is done. They hate me, do not care about my feelings or side or anything, they actively despise me, and nothing is going to change this. It has become an immovable problem. Yet, they have not expressed this truth to me, instead have used CHASM to gaslight me. So basically its an immovable and invisible problem.

Because of this, my emotions have been on the fritz. My mind is incapable of computing (does not compute!). Its like I have to believe wholeheartedly that 2+2=5, when I can’t, cause it obviously doesn’t equal 5 but 4. And I cannot just go along with this. Hence, I am in turmoil on the insides. And this has been going on for days, this intensity.

So today, when I found out, I was shocked at the fact, but emotionally I was numb. I felt nothing. My emotions were so flat and nonexistent thtat it made me worry. I would have talked about this to someone like DUO, but….there is no talking to them freely about emotions. I tried with JG, but I didn’t want to make her feel worse, so I stopped and retreated away.

Perhaps, I had been experiencing a type of grief. The truth of CHASM is such a hard pill to swallow that I had to kill a part of myself in order to cope. Since I had grieved the loss of REALITY as i knew it, Babcias death didn’t phase me. Maybe I am coming to some understanding of my emotions and accepting the fact that everybody despises me, i have been seriously abused for who knows how long with CHASM, and the only person i cared about more than anything is…no longer the same. I just had a hard time with that last one, but now it seems to be dawning on me.

This really bums me out…