10-3-16
10-3-16
feel really good and have felt good most of the day. Took Pin at 11 and it still has an effect at 9 pm. I didn’t really take a look at how it worked or made me feel before, but since i’ve been off of it and drugs for a couple of weeks it is the perfect to ascertain its effects on my emotional and mental state from the ground up since its only the second day.
i’m feeling perfectly chill and I even can say I feel good. Like ten entries of “well I feel LESS worse today” or some such phrasing, and now I can say I actually feel fucking good. I’m not gonna jump to conclusions, but if I don’t abuse it and take it almost daily I think I can actually function at a more productive level.
Although there are always pitfall full of fucking snakes and the possibility some wanker shoving a shank in my abdomen, now I may be able to not give a flying fuck about the machinations of the depraved universe if I feel a little at ease. I mean, why worry about stupid shit if I don’t have to.
I got to worry about one thing. That is all. Everything else is superfluous guile aimed like a gun but shoots like a supersoaker. If three years has taught me anything, people are scary but really fucking weak. Not to say i’m strong, just that society, culture, and conventions render us a little fucking neutered. So instead of doing what we want, saying what we think, or even feeling what we feel, we pretend, so as not to upset the status quo; cause oh boy, don’t rock the fucking boat.
Although I do it too, I fucking hate pretending. I think its just cowardice, plain and simple. And I don’t mean pretending to talk to invisible people, or pretending being a superhero as children do, or writing a pretend novel, I mean pretending to feel or think one way while actually feeling or thinking something entirely different. Presenting yourself as one thing, but being something else. Saying something with such delicate subtleties to someone as to be believed but than going around the back to just insult and degrade that same person. Oh, I know, i’m guilty too and a coward. Everyone surely is. The person that is honest to a fault is truly an elevated person, not because they make sense or are agreeable but because they’re fucking honest
I don’t know where i’m going….i guess if I’m going with the theme of advice maybe its “pretending is a great skill and will get you far in this world”...expecting something different? “don’t rock the boat, cause you will drown” better?
Cause oh boy I would just love to rock that fucking boat till it sinks. And I would love to just fucking say whatever the fuck I want all the time. And why not? There is your advise, WHY THE FUCK NOT? What’s the worst that can happen? Or maybe, would the worst thing that can happen be worse than what has and is happening? Obviously not, cause nothing is worse than that.
