A Cooling Down with a Metaphysical Rant
My last post and past self were getting a little too heated in the delusion of mass conspiracy against me. I haven’t let it go completely (how can i?) but i have reframed the intensity and now am cooling down.
In this state, I have become bored and apathetic. I got into watching truly existential horror videos on Youtube to scare me shitless. I have succeeded. The terror of the universe is unending. At a microscopic level, humanity is also dreadful. It is not hard to find the most debased behavior of humans packed nicely in these YouTube videos. Hundreds of these channels and podcasts now exist to regurgitate not good, but the most evil of what we are capable of. I went down a rabbit hole and almost lost my own sense of self.
Am I God? How can I die if I am living now? Two hundred years from now, I will be dead, to the perspective of those people but I’m currently alive. Two hundred years in the past, I haven’t even existed yet, but right now (whatever now is) I am existing. How can these two facts be true? I’ll call this “Schrodinger’s consciousness” after the thought experiment.
Is there more than one observer? If I am the primary observer, than everything is possibly not real at all. Classic solopsism or simulation theory…but what is the point then?
I came up with the notion of Lonely God. Has it ever been conceived before that God was singular and powerful, yes, but couldn’t die and was also alone. Nothing even close would compare to the entirety of God. So powerful, sentient, undying…but completely unable to die being the singularity itself, one, and truly alone….What if God wanted to play a game of hide and seek as Alan Watts said.
The universe and all the things are God just trying to trick himself into a drama. Creating the Universe as a play to entertain himself from the boredom of singular existence. He split himself up into the cosmos giving it rules to abide by. The board was set for a game.
I have thought about this maybe too long but the one thing that I come to realize is that if this is true, then I must be the “observer of God.” I cannot know if anything outside myself is conscious or even real. But I know, cogito ergo sum, that I am a soul that is observing this thing. Did God trick himself into becoming me? Maybe I am not the only one, maybe he split himself off into everyone and plays each part. A superbeing, putting on a play, becoming the director, the actors, and the audience.
So…as you can see i have gone down a metaphysical hole of thought. This happens from time to time where I feel “it” has occurred within me, the knowledge of the all, but then it really becomes clear how different I am from the status quo trying to live these lives that are constructed by the ones that came before. Get a job, get married, have those polite manners, don’t think about the existential nature of the universe.
How? I cannot do that. This is incredibly pertinent to me. What the hell is going on? What is this life? What is reality? I cannot just conform to the normal mass delusion of being programmed into a human to live out your life to eventually just make small clones of yourself. It is weird to me!
But I am weird to everyone who is illusioned, the norms. I wonder how many people had similar thoughts of this dreadful reality and decided to just call it a day. I don’t even think that would work. There is no escape from this continual play. Our pieces will just be recycled or we will just become part of the Godhead, disappearing into their endless infinite mind. Reincarnated into another body, its like starting a difficult video game from the start after getting so far. But this game is “how to become a normal human and find happiness.”
I used to fear death. That is the thing that makes the most sense. Not wanting to die is just so fundemental to our survival. But what if the Buddhist ideas are right and we have to come back over and over to do the same thing again and again. Time is not real, it is an illusion of the mind. But outside the mind, what time is it?
Reincarnation is not “good” to Buddhist. Life is suffering and dukkha. The goal is to end it all by stopping reincarnation. That means total cessation. That is the goal. Enlightenment means to be erased completely.
Perhaps that is the truth. Life and reality can not be anything but dukkha. The real freedom is within death, true death. I still fear death so much but….how can I die if I exist? It may sound stupid, but to me it has a ring of paradox. Impossibility.
Who knows.
