The First of Many Journeys into the World of Hospitalizations
1
It’s the whispers that
kill. Look, I wanna believe
I’m crazy. I’m not...
2
or I am crazy,
and the whispers are devil
DJ’s in my ears.
3
The tensions were high
Christmas Eve. They were different
somehow- alien to me.
4
Made a fool out of
myself- biggest one yet. But
they started it all!
5
I was an asshole
and I didn’t mean it. Oh
well! doesn’t matter…
6
Paranoid delusional-
state of confusion about-
but it is too late.
7
I could no longer
tell the reality from
the delusional.
8
In my head people
hate me. No exceptions. I
thought this all my life.
9
Self-esteem zero.
I have compartmentalized
personalities.
10
I mean just say it,
“I put a camera in …
so better behave.”
11
But now I got to
recount every stupid thing
that I may have said.
12
Am off with the keys!
(No fucking plan. Just AWAY!)
They want to kill me!
13
The artificial
men in uniforms come home.
Frantic! (I might die.)
14
But they caught me like
a rabbit in a steel claw-
sweating, I was pissed.
15
A blur of life like
squishing the guts of a small
mammal smeared red.
16
“Why not let me leave!
You all hate me. What I am.
I’m a blank monster!”
17
“You need help. They’ll help!”
and so they wipe their clean hands
of me. Or, I thought…
18
George, a nurse in the
wagon tried to question me.
Answers- “I don’t know.
19
I don’t know and I
don’t know and I don’t know and
I don’t know and I”
20
A thought occurred while
driving- They will just push me
out the cab to die…
21
Hannibal Lecter-
like an animal with a
camera on top.
22
The stress and despair
overwhelmed me...so I did
attempt suicide.
23
I formed a rope from
bed sheets and around my neck
but didn’t get far...
24
“Giving us a show?”
she said, the operator
of the all seeing.
25
Eventually
They gave me drugs to sleep.
“Let me die!” I thought.
26
Passed out in the box
and awakened strapped to a
gurney for transport.
27
My body was cold
and very undressed outside
as they put me in.
28
Came in on stretcher
from St. Joes. Clip one band off,
put another on.
29
In the dreamlike state,
after the ambulance ride,
I find myself caged.
30
It feels good- the first
few days of sobriety
but turns dark real quick.
31
Insomnia (sleep
is a blessing and a curse)
stay up being tired.
32
I really thought I
was in actual hell (for
real.) but now doubt it.
33
If doctor doesn’t
dismiss me all bets are off!
I’ll show them crazy!
34
Manic-depressive;
diagnose given-
not surprised.
35
One moment happy-
the next suicidal. Just
absolutes- no grays.
36
Boredom is cancer-
that consumes away black time
before it turns red.
37
I already checked-
they make suicide tough in
this place. (Like they care...)
38
The weight of the waiting
feels worse getting out of here
than for H craving.
39
Each one of us is
different in many ways-
Age, race, disease, choice...
40
No integers are
fair amounts of time spent in
a mental Psych ward.
41
Schizophrenia-
I do not have at all! For
ruse it worked but no;
42
demons do not haunt
my life and nothing talks in
my life except me!
43
(I'm finished.) But what
happens after this? Depart
and heal wounds (so deep)?
44
I just can’t! (What can’t
you do?) Overcome? Exile
yourself? start over?
45
Can’t concentrate, bored.
all the voice overlap
in the open room.
46
It’s like a Grad School
experience in all parts...
(except we are stuck.)
47
Looking out window
makes you feel the snow. The cold
outside like a bird-
48
if I could I would
fly, for one second arms out
stretched meeting the ground.
49
Everytime I close
my eyes more than two minutes
my brain thinks, “I’m home.”
50
Every morning I
awake from dreams of something
better and joyful.
51
I’m drowsy from
the medicine; side effects
include...way too much.
52
For my bipolar-
Seroquel and Depakote.
(Helps the brain voice.)
53
For anxiety -
Atavan helps- day to day-
its a PRA.
54
For my depression -
Celexa is the go to-
a SSRI.
55
For H withdrawal -
Suboxone keeps me okay
and away from thoughts.
56
These pills keep me numb -
I guess that’s what the point is -
Since I'm psychotic!
57
(Better psychotic
under the medicine cage
than dead and alone...)
58
Like a gangrened limb
limb frosted with the evil stink-
I cut out old self.
59
I always wanted
rehabilitation but…
was too weak to try.
60
I have a second
chance to bring peace and repair
my disastrous life.
61
or let me die now
(but it won’t be by me. No
I see others though.)
62
Tv privileges-
one hour per day. No sex,
violence, or fun.
63
Two shower times a day.
It is vital to get free.
(but never be clean.)
64
Lights out eleven
o’clock- are no exceptions
to the rigid rules.
65
All doors must be kept
ajar at all times or else
trouble may ensue.
66
People knock knocking
on purpose makes me hate walls-
I’m angry boy...
67
Hooray! Its snack time!
The limp swaying bodies come
hungry for sweat meat.
68
Broken piano-
nobody can play either
way without C Key
69
Many patients go
and attempt to make music.
Upon failure...
70
They retreat as if
that little moment hadn’t
existed. (we heard.)
71
Pay phones don’t exist?
In the Psych ward there are two-
fifty cents a call.
72
Jim spends much of his
time talking through receivers
without making cals.
73
Jim discredits Psych
in general. Talks about
Nazi Germany.
74
Jim talks in circles.
(being a wacko with ticks-
the word vomit stinks.)
75
I can’t tell you why
but I can give incites in
their odd behavior.
76
Let's start with roommate-
who slept all day. No showers.
On average seen once
77
a day. His hair just
plain up and crazy. He looked
young, almost my age.
78
Phone rings! I cringe with
thoughts of forgotten friends who
wish I've bottomed out...
79
Wanna smoke most in
the morning. Craving (so much!)
Gum helps - not the same.
80
“No Smoking” signs on
everywhere- yet brave ones
try to anyway.
81
The garbage is full
and stinking (or is it the
patients.) I can’t tell.
82
I would like to be
a janitor here - to see
what I might find out.
83
The blood on the floor-
unsure where it came from. I
ponder its travels.
84
Some seats are soiled-
some seats look clean. You never
know- so sanitize.
85
Neglected games in
cupboard with missing pieces.
My guess, never used.
86
One two three four five-
breathe deep and count to- five six
seven eight nine ten.
87
Sisyphus in hell
pushed the damn rock up the hill.
(Now its my burden.)
88
You question whether
cameras are everywhere
(even the bathroom.)
89
Coffee is like crack
to the patients (they need it!)
Cut off - is bad times.
90
Crazy cat lady
came out of her room just to
throw milk on the staff.
91
Punish the many
for only the few who are
the rotten apples.
92
The wicked voices-
suicide and homicide-
persisted onward.
93
Burn it down, burn it
down to the ground burn it down
to the ground burn it.
94
Another cold lunch.
Breakfast was not much better.
And then came dinner.
95
Careful what you say.
The staff does prepare your food
and take care of you.
96
Don’t wanna come back.
Gonna work on it for real.
Don’t wanna ever.
97
My new roommate's words:
“Yo, I been to prison and
this shit is way worse.”
98
Met with three doctors,
five social workers, about
five psychologists-
99
and I get little
to nothing every turn-
my life's in their hands-
100
and each ones consul
was so similar as if
they had the same notes.
101
When am I going
home? Do I even have one?
(Just within myself...)
102
Why am I even
Here? Do I really have an
understanding now?
103
Discharged without a
goodbye to anyone (and
not a speck of guilt.)
104
Ten days, ten days, I
rode on this sinking ghost ship-
with the wild ego’s
105
who spare no shameful
behavior because they have
no impulse control.
106
We slaughter reason
with fantastical thoughts and
acts never guilty.
107
Well I am and always will
be guilty of my actions (always)
no matter what people say.
108
I’m saturated
with this place. I feel dirty.
I forgot my room
109
as a pig in my
sty. (See?) my mental breakdown
was triggered by It-
110
It being the All
Seeing Eye...by that I mean...
there’s no privacy...
111
I’m so excited
to start my life...or restart.
Last chance... I will not...
112
Failure is not an
option. I will succeed no
matter…whatever.
