Untitled (an old journal i found from 2-27-17)

I relapsed again and now I’m gonna try to climb that mountain again...for some reason.  Idk the reason.  Hell Idk the reason for anything.  It don’t make no sense.  How awful is everyone’s life? Really, like how awful do I make other people’s lives and is there ever a point when people just say fuck it?  I guess I didn’t hit that point, and I don’t think I will.  Being a little queer in here is like being an alien and some vile implanted ideas grow into some sort of untruths.  Like wtf can I do to combat this?  Lol like what can I do? It’s not funny but lolllll

I’ll stop using again and be clean somehow for a while and it will be like I accomplished nothing. Not saying I have accomplished anything, but come on, is this really that awful?   Are you really seeing me so awfully and yet act alright with me?  Or am I not reading this correctly?  What exactly is going on here?  I don’t get it, it baffles me.  Like your so close, your almost there but you don’t just go over.  And I’m not talking to you (me) I literally talking to the other (you). 

Sometimes it may be difficult to understand because I don’t write for you, I write for me, so you can’t really know what I’m really saying cause it’s all just a metaphor.  Nothing is real in the world of words, it’s just fucking rigmarole.  I assume everything is recording, like all the time.  And although it’s upsetting and way worse than anything I can do literally here, it continues like it isn’t happening.  I can say directly this thing, but you are just passive aggressive, like always.  It’s never not passive aggressive, one thing to me and another each to each.  And I know this as I state it very clearly here, as literal as I can even if it’s just words.  But nothing happens.

I just assume that my life is like literally going to end every day and everything is pretty meaningless.  Yet I do nothing to really harm anyone in any real way.  And in this constant state of craziness it goes on, somehow.  I assume I know why, but the reason becomes more and more redundant the more the one who at least honestly loves me at least to some extent becomes more and more passive aggressive, taking on the traits of those around her, and I’m not really certain if there is any real love left.

I imbibe the Kool-Aid cause what choice do I have and actually don’t hate anyone even though I am sometimes too much hurt that I can’t just take it anymore so I become passive aggressive in response.  What is going to happen here?  I’m drinking the Kool-Aid the best I can, I mean I lap it up and just fucking go on.  It is the best possible thing I can do for myself and I am like told quite frankly that, well, the same old thing over and over even though it just gets worse, the abuse that is, and I can’t do anything cause I don’t want to hurt anyone (it’s quite backwards this way of doing things) so it goes on.  Not expressing to me directly accomplishes literally nothing as I am clearly unsure if my ears are hearing voices or the truth.  I mean….I really can’t tell, it’s not a joke.  I really don’t know if what I hear is real lol maybe I didn’t want to admit such a thing before but what’s the point?  I literally can’t tell what I hear is real or not if it’s not straightforward and in my face.  If it was certain than I’m sure I would not be presently doing as I am doing.  So it’s pretty obvious that I do hear things that aren’t true….I mean it should be obvious by now, right?  Like idk, I literally cannot tell.  Lol, I watch to with subtitles because I want to be sure what I hear is what is being said and THAT’S ON THE TV RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE.  How the fuck am I supposed to be able to untangle shit I hear in the next room with two VT’s on or at night when I literally hear shit that I know is not real.  This is not a joke, though it may be funny, but idk what is real or not when it comes to my hearing.  

Sure some things seem real but if anything is not real than how can I trust anything.  So is the dilemma.  And even if all the shit I think I hear is true than what for is this...for?  I know not why, I do not understand.  It’s very easy, say what you mean and mean what you say, why not do this?  What is the issue here? I’m obviously not violent and, no matter what you think or what I even think, I won’t do anything to hurt anyone or even anything.  If it was the case I was, I don’t think I would take so much abuse without doing something.  I mean empirically its very simple logic.  With all my anger and even hatred it amounts to almost nothing but a sad pouting boy.  But I’m not a boy, I’m 31.  I think it’s clear I had a chance and don’t think I made it….what’s your thoughts?  Oh, I forgot it won’t come and I’m stuck.  Even if the whole world yells from the next room to fuck off, if she tells me to stay I’m going to stay; I mean I literally don’t know if shit is real or not, I’m fucking schizoid, it’s not a joke, I cannot tell and I can’t trust myself in this. 

So what can I do in this situation?  Using drugs helps but I can’t do it cause I hurt you….or do I? Idk, I can’t fucking tell.

So I’m just going to continue in this way and try again to get sober and try again to straighten out cause idk what to do and Idk what to say.  I don’t want to die so no matter how suicidal (just like getting angry) it amounts to nothing.  Unless somebody kills me I will continue to live and as long as I live I will try to protect my life in whatever way I can.

I don’t hate anyone, I just don’t know if you’re being the most loving or the cruelest in how you treat me. I think it’s pretty clear I am not trying to be cruel and if I am, it’s really something I did not intend.  Using drugs cannot be considered cruel, yes I’m sorry but I’m really fucked up in the head like it helps.  I don’t use and never used to hurt another person, that is fucking crazy if you think about it for a second. And that is the cruelest thing I can think I do.  What else am I doing?  I’m fucked up in the head, idk how else to say this but I’m not a psychopath.  You hurt me, I feel shame and guilt, I may be fucked up in the head but jeeze my life has really been shit.  And not because of you, you were great people, it’s been shit because of me being fucked in the head and people being cruel to me.  I mean seriously, people fucked me up way before you started to fuck me up.

And I’m not trying to be the victim.  I’m literally writing this on my computer and can say anything since it’s my computer, no?  Even when I was a victim I didn’t think I was a victim and just thought it was my fault.  So I think this is my fault to, but am also aware that it hurts.  Sorry.

Tomorrow will be literally fucking horrible and it will be horrible for days if not weeks before I get a little straight.  Not that I’m making excuses it’s just the truth.  And I did it to myself, very understandable and I deserve it.  Just making a point.

Anyway, this is just pretty much the facts.  Everything I write after this is going to be completely metaphoric and nonsensical and just plain fiction. Once again, everything I say after this is NOT REAL, what I just wrote IS REAL or at least as real as I can be.