First Time From Home

I haven’t written in this place in a while. I just can’t trust my home in any way. I also do not feel like going to the library, the place where I mostly wrote ann edited this. Yes, this was all done at the library!

But fuck it, I cannot neglect you anymore, my secret place!

So I actually logged into here on my Chrome Book on my house WiFi which is really not a good idea if I want to keep things private. I have zero trust. But I can’t do anything without WiFi and a keyboard. I can’t write and post.

Therefore, I just don’t care that much right now. If Nemsis finds my secret place, so be it. They cannot hurt me there, they cannot hurt me anywhere physical. They can psychically and emotionally. But I think the security of Kwwaard’s Place is good so I don’t think they can hack that at least.

Currently, I am doing swell. Everything is just proceeding very nicely and my life is great!

And that is a lie. I’m not a good liar, obviously, and lying is such an important feature of humanity. Basically, since I haven’t honed that skill, being an honest person and all, and trusting what people actually say, I really fucked up. Am I so stupid to have not realized the power of lies when I clearly saw it in action all the time? It just never occurred to meâ€!

Because of this, and other flaws, I am not doing swell. Everything is shit and going nowhere. My life is stuck in a deep pit and instead of ladders, they all just throw shit! (that is a good little rhyme…)

Not as if I ever had a plan and my goals have to be simple and easy cause thinking about a far-fetched goal that takes time to achieve is not going to workout if I can’t even complete a goal that is just one step. And plans? No. No plan exists. Just ideas, theories, and a deep concern for my own safety creating defensive actions just in case I’m FRAMED or DEFAMED.

Right now, I bought a bike and I road it once like two weeks ago! Hooray!

I write sometimes...i haven’t read anything…

Play video games….

Oh, I went to the dentist and will get that taken care of which will add a considerable debt on top of the old stuff.

I DO GET HELP MONETARILY AND HAVE SHELTER AND I AM GRATEFUL! Its bumpy but I still do have a place to live and money is not currently an issue as long as I stay stuck. I just worry about any debt sinking me lower just in case something does happen against me because...i don’t know.

I’m thinking about a time years ago when I was flush with money and had an opportunity to try and seek freedom from tyranny. I was close to leaving once, but I was convinced, as I am usually convinced directly, to stay and to not worry about such things. So I sat on my ass, not worrying. I TRUSTED SW…and now I’m in a position that is not great money wise. Oh well!

I see two Thera and Thero, therapists, and great to talk to and get advice and feedback, but that can only take me so far. I am also questioning whether I truly understand (or if they do) what is currently happening cause I picked up on some things on the Internets, you know the place!, where all the information of the world is! On you tube and Wikipedia!

Anyway, I found something that reflects so perfectly what I am experiencing. I mean, like everything that is being said about this certain “thing” is relevant or feels like an explanation. Of course, Thera didn’t think so when I mentioned it briefly two weeks ago...as if it was impossible. But also, as if the info or thing that I only mentioned was false or fake psudopsychology even though she didn’t see it at all. And I wasn’t even focusing on the name of it, but the experience of the one on the other side of it IE V or me...but that was just one thing that frustrated me that appointment. It was like she had said to herself “I’m not going to feed into his “delusion” at all and challenge him with everything.” I mean, some of the stuff she countered with was reasonable, but other things were just logically silly…

I mean, is it important to understand the truth as it is and deal with that? Or is it more important to accept Bullshit and live within it because it is easier? I do not believe its a delusion….and maybe I didn’t prove it and I won’t even try, because its so complicating and there isn’t a point. Even if the delusion is true, both Thera and Thero have both said “does it matter?” or “than what?”

Which, to me, sounds like they are also full of cognitive distortions. I mean, its a huge deal, its everything and more, but they don’t believe it and if it was true, they don’t seem to care…

Not that I should expect anything more from them...they do a lot and are great. Even just talking is good. Thero said “you don’t go to a Chinese food place to buy a burger.” When I told him first about he CMS...and he is right. I need help, and they aren’t it.

And who is it? Who will help me? Help me….

HELP ME! PLEASE! HELP