Its been a time…
My life is something else. I am pretty sure nobody likes me. They all have different reasons, sure, but I guess I’m not that likable. But hate? I don’t understand that but if a person is capable of it, surely I have those that hate me. I can name them. I can number them. They just do not stop with kinetic attacks while I store potential. (that is a cool metaphor, i should use it for a poem.)
I was depressed for five weeks when I stopped Mod. I got over the W/d after a couple of days probably. But then…I entered the normal state of ME. I take other meds for this, but they do not have the power to deal with this level of mental atrophy and toxic environment. No matter what, I cannot be without Mod or I lose all power. All confidence, energy, aura, caring, faith, love just are passing memories while i stew inside a half awake mind, imprisoned by this goddam illness.
Oh, i am still attacked by the Star Wars with VDP. I made sure to still try to see with my eyes and ears and, I can say with upmost confidence, it is the same. They are the same and their actions are the same. They think I am PRETENDING. I am “playing” a game. This is my life, a grown man who is suffering from some serious stuff and….they do not care! I mean, they have to work. They cannot think about my problems. They cannot acknowledge them. In fact, they can ignore the problems all the while just watching and speaking through VDP.
What do they see? I listened to a recording of me talking to them and….i sounded like such a fuck. I really did. And, if you didn’t know better, you might say I had an “attitude.” But these aren’t strangers, these are my Star Wars! They know me! I know them! My whole life, in fact. And I know, at least, the reasons why I sound and act this way is not because I have an “attitude” its because I am in an awful mood that I cannot control and I am upset with them for the constant abuse.
So, yesterday, when I finally came out of it after taking Mod and going out into the world (two things that will greatly improve my mood) I was super cheery. I talked to them with the mode of “I am so much better, do you notice?”
I think they did…i wonder under what association?
Regardless, I will act as my mood dictates. Its never anyone else that will alter my voice, its my emotions that are causing me to sound this way or that. I will try to act polite, as I do. Try to be cheery, which I don’t. I am not going to ignore the abuse, but I can make it not effect me so much. The voices can talk, but I don’t need them to RULE MY LIFE. I mean, I can try….I will try to live through this.
Either way, I have to actively look for help in the realm of Social Services to find a new home. I have mental, i have drug assistance, now I need Home. I also would like some SEAGUL help too…but who would listen to me! I’m crazy…
Another thing, I found these videos on the YouTube which are just…made for me. I would not call Nemsis or Star Wars Narcistic…but these videos really define this whole thing.
