I have stopped obsessing on VDP and kind of just said fuck it. And at first, it was sort of a breath of fresh air. I should have been feeling better with that weight removed.

However, without Nemsis, I realize my life sort of loses meaning. Without that force working against me, I have no reason to hold up my banner and shield fighting in protest against the ills against me. I lose my purpose.

I don’t have anything else. Movies and Video Games are losing their fun. Things aren’t that cool to me anymore. Its almost as if I have exhausted all my desires and have no more dreams left. Nemsis was really something that gave my life meaning and without it it is going to be hard.

Day to day is where the difficulty rises. I will try several things and I still want to move out and stuff, but things just lose…importance. I already have zero responsibilities (which is a curse by the way). I have to try to find, not meaning for life, but meaning for continuing to live. I am not suicidal. I just don’t know if being alive matter all that much anymore.

Anyway, I have changed focus with the bulk of material I have. I intend to write novel now, no longer thinking within the sphere of nonfiction or memior. Why? The main reason is that I really would like to get published and I would really like people to read my book. If I wrote a life story, it wouldn’t have the pull to attract an audience. Hell, I don’t know if I will finish anything at this rate since I have so much I started and so many ideas that were never finished. But this could be completed. NO! It will be completed.

By making it fictional, I could still use my real life writings and real life experiences. But if i were to write a nonfiction, i would not be able to add false or made up parts. (well I guess I could, but I don’t want to lie like that.) So instead, most of the framework will come from my life but it will be entirely fictional. I have many things already set down and plenty of ideas for how it will go. I think I might of the right hook for it. The hook will be entirely fictional but I won’t talk about what it is. This is just to say where I am….to myself. Maybe the internet appreciates me at least….Hello internet AI, do you like my writing?